...with one headlight

2009-12-27T01:44:00.002+08:00

The christmas season has come and gone. While I do not belong to a culture nor am in a faith which celebrates the occasion, it is probably my most favourite time of the year. Admittedly, my perception of christmastime has largely been influence by Hollywood since the annual screening of Home Alone, among other christmas movies.

Besides, we make our own traditions - since 2006, the JC clique has been meeting up at Mark's for Christmas and Hwei's for New Year's. Still, this year's Christmas feels a bit -off-. Perhaps it's the busy schedules we all keep or that we've took our meet ups for granted or maybe it was just something in the air. While it's common knowledge that people mellow with age, one can't help but think that perhaps we've mellowed out too fast.

Somewhere in the middle of the technology-aided game of 'truth-or-dare', Tiff commented that I am stuck in the paradigm that we're all going to remain friends forever. (or something to that effect, not a direct quote) I do agree that the notion that everyone would just be friends forever may seem a bit fallacious. While I allow myself to revel in this ideal situation, there are times I am aware that this could just all fall apart, and that I should be ready when it happens.

And I can be ready I suppose.

When I attended my primary school reunion a few weeks ago, I was a bit weirded out by the whole situation - a group of people who were so close back in primary school simply lost touch and now there is a 10 year void. While everyone had a great time catching up, there remains the question of whether we picked up where we left off, or were we merely social creatures who are obliged to interact in such a manner.

I suppose the point I am trying to make here is that, perhaps I'm more adept at losing touch with friends than I think I am. After all, I've managed to completely move on from my primary school friends when i attended secondary school and i've completely blocked out all of my secondary school experiences. Perhaps when the time comes, and when the inevitable happens ever so subtly, I won't be such a wreck.

2009-11-15T04:50:00.001+08:00

looking for a love

2009-11-08T11:12:00.002+08:00

a few days ago, a friend gave me the feedback that the general knowledge among our circle of friends is that I am waaay too emo. (no arguments there!) Yesterday night, the same friend and I had the following conversation-

friend: hahah. i tink u're nt a total emo
friend: u're still quite hungry inside
me: emo and hungry
me: mutually exclusive meh
friend: u're the weird combo of emo & hungry
friend: mmm. emo & hungry nt m.exclusive but dun usually go tgt nor complement each other.
me: oisit
me: not hand in hand meh
me: i always figured
me: u're emo because u're not satified
friend: yeaa. den it stops thr & u continue being emo for rest of ur life.
friend: but if u're hungry, u'd go get it.
friend: & when u get it, u wun emo
friend: so u're not a total emo
friend: LOLS. weird convo!
frienn: GO & SLEEP LA

In related but not totally so news, i'm really hate being the second banana. the one that puts in the effort but gets pwned. need to get myself out of this scene

2009-09-23T01:18:00.002+08:00

back in secondary school, i fucked up. i fucked up real bad. ordered a 14 dollars per head buffet meal for 50 pax, order 10 9 dollar keychains as farewell gifts for seniors all the while keeping the school out of the loop. i allowed myself to be filled with grand visions and ideas when i was 15 years old and got carried away with it.

every since then i stayed away from being the number one in committees.

now i find myself in a position where i am number one. and everyone has this idea that i am really responsible and capable. when i really am not. what i have been successful is only to bullshit my way to a positive rep. but i fuck up. and with all these expectations. i disappoint.

fucking up scares me. money and reputations are at stake. it used to excite me listening to nsync's tearing up my heart. but today i had it on loop on the train to school and my mind drifted to that farewell party i fucked up in secondary school. it brought me to a very dark place. and my perpetual headache.

i am very afraid.

2009-08-15T02:18:00.003+08:00

i try not to be too consistently pensive with my entires - it's a general rule i try to follow to avoid sounding too one-note, too emo. but perhaps one would find all my entries to be emo and/or obscure gibberish.

still, i can't help but want to write a pensive entry tonight. after an entire 4 month long vacation, i have one final weekend before the school term starts again. one can't help but wonder what have i accomplished this summer and if i have had the break i thought i needed and deserved.

planning orientation was a stupid mistake on my end. to try and recreate my council experience. i experienced a lot of angst and was often indignant through out the camp. most of the time i was vindicated. all these negativity i could do without. to summarise the experience, it was just as well that the aftermath of camp was that it seemed almost like the camp never happened. like blacking out a traumatising experience.

i immediately launched myself into working at the airport after the camp so that i could make up for my spendthrift habits. when i feel stressed out, i shop - thinking that i deserve to reward myself with a particular purchase when in fact i have no income. it would seem almost like i had no time to enjoy myself, but i must remind myself that i already had an overseas trip with friends and that must suffice for the rest of the year - the time for globetrotting is not now.

i can't help but thing that i have wasted my summer away. and with my failure to get the required number of mods for the new term, everything seems in flux. i can't help but feel like i have no idea what to do with myself.

one of my ns juniors gave me a shoutout in his birthday reflection. and i wonder what i could possibly have to offer or have offered him when he credits me with having taught him much during his ns term.

2009-07-14T15:05:00.002+08:00

there are a few things i learnt this summer.

that some people will surprise you. impress you. they may subsequently disappoint you.

that one should never go chasing after a feeling one had before because that moment has passed. and even if you do recapture that moment, it is fleeting. frequently, the chase requires too much effort and sacrifice and even then, the moment might never happen.

that people are ultimately, people.

that i really should be spending summer lazing on the beach.

that at age twenty-two, i am still very much a procrastinator.

i am pondering a new haircut - fauxhawk anyone?

2009-06-01T14:17:00.002+08:00

in one of my conversations with my director, i asked him if he felt sad that his murals that he drew on my back would be washed off by the end of each night. His response was that art is transient and he learnt that when he misplaced his sketchbook in a phone-booth below his girlfriend's flat.

there's something awfully romantic about that image. sending one's girlfriend home, and you misses her so much you can't stand to wait and immediately phones her in the phone-box downstairs. And you'd talk till your phone card runs out of value because time is abundant. Nowadays, with mobile phones being the norm, the concept of communication seems to have lost its romanticism; The immediacy of our means of communications have irradiated the concept of 'absence' and 'waiting'.

There's a certain allure to the 80s. Seeing their lives in photographs that are faded and yellow - the floppy hair and baggy shirts. But they must have lived their lives in full color and I wonder how it must be life.

2009-06-01T14:16:00.000+08:00

Having worked on "Hungry" for the past month, I've grown much attached to the script.

In our first reading, I did not really 'get' the play - with its random religious references and seemingly alienating characters; However, through Beng's direction and the cast's evolving interpretation of the text, I gained new insights on the play through each rehearsal.

The direction is deceptively light hearted - with Mui Choo's broken english, Guaka's wackiness and Mug's gibberish. However, at the end of the day, it is the hunger that each character feels that are, i feel, irrefutably relatable: Sarah is desperate to understand her purpose in life beyond what her education has to offer while Baby merely desires to live a life. Guaka's failure to fulfill her ambition to be an artist pushes her over the edge but eventually leads her to avoid the pain it brings her. Mui Choo was a victim desperate to escape her circumstances but finds herself bound to the same situation in the end. Even the seeming superfluous Mug provided much cause for reflection with his hunger for recognition and desperation to remain relevant.

Nonetheless, the play does not prescribe a definite solution to satiate our hunger. In fact, it implies that when we remain human, we shall inevitably be susceptible to our various needs and wants. Even though, as Beng has so often pointed out, it also seems to insinuate that one will be free of all suffering when one learns to eat other people's shit and die.

I've learnt much, working on this production. Having always dissected literature texts for school, I've gained an appreciation of the transition from text to theatre - much is attributed to Beng's knack for creating striking and haunting visual impact and for moulding the cast while allowing us to explore our characters. My amazing cast mates helped brought the script to life when they communicate so much emotions and tension through their craft. The crew's readiness to support the play showed that not only the actors are responsible for making a good show happen. I am also mightily thankful for friends who make the effort to support me physically and morally for their encouragement remind me the always do my best.

These learning points and the relationships I've developed I carry in my heart, knowing I've learnt, I've experienced, I've felt. And I move on from my first practical encounter with theatre, i know know that I have much more to learn, and I hope that I will have the opportunity to learn, experience and feel like I have like this again.

2009-05-29T11:05:00.002+08:00

so i kinda spent the whole of last night miring in melancholy, listening to coldplay's 'what if' and letting myself go, breaking down.

sometimes life just goes by so quickly and i get caught up in all the trivial things. then there are times when i'm okay with just vegetating, no deep thoughts, just lazing through time.

and then, a moment arrives. and the big issues that i've pushed to the back of my mind floods out of the floodgates. and the sadness lingers upon the questions. what am i doing with my life? what do i want out of life? what is my purpose in life?

i am horrible with people moving in and out of my life. i wish i were more resolute as a person and not so whimsical.

What if there was no light
Nothing wrong, nothing right
What if there was no time
And no reason or rhyme
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life

What if I got it wrong
And no poem or song
Could put right what I got wrong
Or make you feel I belong
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life

When every step that you take
Can be your biggest mistake
And it could bend, or it could break
Well that's just the risk that you take
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life

2009-05-27T00:47:00.003+08:00

it's been about 2 months since the start of summer vacation. here's a few things to get you up to date on what's happening.
- still single
- still stressing over orientation camp
- still looking forward to my theatre production

rehearsals have been going really well. while i am usually shagged out by the fact that i am usually in school doing something related to orientation planning or sleep at 3am because of orientation planning, i really do enjoy rehearsals. the cast is getting better and i'm really excited because it's going to be my first production ever. i'm the greenest cast member. unfortunately, the management of the production leaves much to be desired. i'm kinda bummed that my director is leaving us after the production by means of forces not within his control. but i will emo after the production- until then, i will try to give my 100% for each rehearsals.

because of rehearsals and orientation planning, i haven't been able to meet up with a lot of people. while i am sure i will miss rehearsals once the production is over, i am looking forward to making an effort to being a better friend.

in planning for orientation, i realise we've regressed in terms of time management - it used to be in JC that because you have to be out of school by a certain time, you get the sense that meetings will at the very least, end on the same day it starts. nowadays, meetings can start in the morning and stretch all the way to the next day. also, with all the egos in play, trying to get things done is a ridonkulously frustrating attempt.

i really should be working on my layout and design for orientation but i am spent. and i just really want to sleep. so i am. after i brush my teeth and floss.

2009-03-31T16:58:00.004+08:00

the matter of fact remains that the best part of my life is long over. everything else that I do now is merely sustenance.

another thing that bugs me- I wish people would stop asking me if I am wearing my cardigan inside out. For the umpteenth time, it's not. It's the design.

2009-03-31T00:33:00.001+08:00

a whole night of mixed signals.

2009-03-30T20:49:00.002+08:00

let's spend this post talking about things that bug me.

1) I hate it when I'm taking public transport and in a hurry and trying to climb the right side of the escalator and someone in front of me either don't move or takes takes a few steps then stops at the top of the escalator. MOVE YOU GIT!

2) A badly formatted written report. Seriously, I give major props to inconsiderate-project-girl. It can't be that difficult to open the document, right click, select 'select all' and click on 'align right' before printing! So now the report has some paragraphs aligned right and others justified and some how, some paragraphs have weird indentations, heads have extra spaces and those spaces are underlined. All of this and your excuse for a cover page AND you reluctance to get a file to place the report in because it is 'troublesome' and 'not required' makes you a horrible team mate. Sorry babe, you've been blacklisted.

3) The proverbial 'last week of school'. I hate changes. I hate goodbyes (except in some cases). And it phases me how the 'last class' always feels oddly like a non-event.

2009-03-29T02:22:00.004+08:00

It is 2:22am now and I really should be sleeping. I've to wake up at 7am tomorrow to go shau mu. But the iced tea I had earlier is not settling well and I feel like throwing up.

Went down to thomson road stretch to meet the hommies earlier. I must say that the patrons of that area is very 'da glam'. Jon ordered gross looking (and tasting) char kway teow and I give him major props for finishing it.

So since I'm not sleeping anytime soon, I shall use this time to purge.

My inability to work with younger girls has once again manifested itself with my orientation comm colleague (code name: husky). It's a little exasperating, listening to her asking questions that she really should already know the answers to. I think she thinks she has clout over me with her designation. Babe, there's a saying in chinese: wp bu shi shen you de deng. It's real unfortunate that you don't recognise that I have immense knowledge to share

Hweis keep pitching the idea that we should wear some sort of matching outfits when we're there. I vote no honey, eternally. We love you for trying though.

School's been weird lately. It's this vacuum between the last week of school and study break. Like it feels really stressful with all the projects and assignments but yet chillax because it's week 13. On the other hand, it feels like I really should be freaking out since exams are in 2 weeks' time. It's weird.

You know what else is weird? Late FA studying sessions, tauhuay for supper and text messages. Am I reading you right? Su advices that I should focus on 'me'. That I should do more 'research". Weird word to use.

It's now 2:48am. still feeling sick. going to try to sleep it away.

Btw, there's this girl in theatre training who can't pronounce my name. The instructor provided the following breakdown: "burp, then turn you head, so burp, turn. minus the p."

>.<

edited to say: I just want to add that capoeira looks really really gay. I was walking along the concourse on Friday night and the capoeira people were training. This sparring pair were in this virtual lock position which i can only describe as koala bears mating. weird.

2009-03-22T09:21:00.004+08:00

Went for Mark's hall dance production yesterday and Tiffany's hall's dance production on Friday (note the use of apostrophes). Tiffany did not perform but she was very excited; Gettyimages could use a photo of her in her seat as one of their stock photos with the tags "edge, of, seat".

Btw, am in school now. (Almost) working on a project presentation that's due tomorrow. It's a Sunday at 9.25am. Expected time of departure? 4pm.

>this entry was resumed on Monday night after being given passive aggressive death stares by project group mate<

Mark's dance production was awesome even if only for the fact we got to see all dressed up and dancing. Oh Marky, you were fantastic though you might complain that you have a stiff back. You shook some serious ass so that has got to be adequate to compensate for the perceived stiffness!

Since I've been informed that Jonathan's also-cool friend Zong Tang reads my jam right here, I should also mention that Zong Tang was really quite good as well; that guy have got some serious moves.

Also awesome is Gina's genius idea (see what I did there, rhyming alliteration) to print out paper banners with a piece of A4 paper for each of Mark and ZT's name. Tiff refused to partake in this activity.

Let's talk about Tiff's hall's dance production now. After hyping this particular production for an ENTIRE YEAR (since Hwei's hall production when I was STILL with the Arts Council), it wasn't really the production that promised to change my life. But Tiff, that doesn't mean I don't appreciate and respect the effort put into the production! It was really ambitious with the sets and the dancers' almost perfect coordination with one another is quite a feat. Besides, after learning more about performing and writing, I know it is really difficult to get it right; Still, it's worth a few good giggles!

I guess at the end of the day, i would think that every performance would be unforgettable for any performer; the exhilaration and adrenaline rush, the camaraderie and the respect from your peers.

3 more years of this to go Mark!

2009-03-16T18:16:00.002+08:00

when there are no red flags, i always root for love.
even if it might not really turn out to be so.

School's been really great! I've been bitching about a team mate to another team mate. I love bitching.

2009-03-08T23:52:00.002+08:00

Random Thoughts

My iTunes seems to be under the impression that I don't listen to Michelle Branch nearly enough - every other song on shuffle mode is a Michelle Branch song

Holding my Business, Government and Society textbook, also known as 'The Phonebook', just now, it felt like the textbook has somehow shrunk. Does reading the text reduce the metaphysical load of the book and is it possible for it to manifest itself in the physical dimension?

2009-03-06T19:23:00.002+08:00

reason not to listen to music while ordering food #73

I was at subway ordering a sandwich and asked for only lettuce and mayo. I got lettuce and tomatoes. i hate tomatoes.

2009-03-06T01:00:00.002+08:00

It's raining now. It's been raining a lot this few days, rain of epic magnitude. I like it when it rains like that and I get even mellower. Sit in my corner, listening to John Mayer:

And come December, Lydia left.
She mentioned something 'bout it being for the best,
And I can't say I disagree, and its killing me.
And now I'm standing facing west
Tracing my fingers round a silhouette
I haven't gotten used to yet,
But it's the brightest thing I've got

So today's been a really good day! I got better than expected results for Management Science and Marketing - PSYCH! Financial Accounting wasn't too bad as well I suppose, but I was below class average =( But STILL, this semester is shaping up to be better than the last.

Lately Ms Lim's words about mediocrity keeps ringing in my head and I wonder if it's a sign that I'm not doing what I should be doing. The problem is, I've always been really mediocre in everything I do and I can't seem to shake that. I think it is a downward spiral that I've created myself - the more mediocre I am, the less confident I am, the less confident I am, the more mediocre I am, so on and so forth.

Hung out with Jasmine and Sups last saturday till 230am at Macs. It's great that we always meet up to overanalyze stuff. I have no idea what I would do without so much analysis in my life. And then today, I met Sups and Daniel for dinner. I think we've really all changed a lot since our council days. I don't know if it's for better or worse though. While I am a lot mellower, I'm just less enthusiastic and apprehensive about stuff, taking less initiative. *Shrug*

I should sleep now. But I feel compelled to stay up even though I am really not doing anything constructive.

2009-02-26T04:37:00.002+08:00

bitch please

2009-02-20T01:06:00.003+08:00

another thursday another theatre practice.

back when i was with the police force, we used to bemoan the crazy people who thought taking a picture of police cars parking on double yellow lines and posting them on stomp was a good idea. today, before theatre practice, someone made an offhand remark about stomp which prompted the revelation that another someone did the above and was quite glad she did. i tried to explain that it was an unfair thing to do and that the officers have to face serious consequences but she would have none of it and that really pisses me off. i think it is really selfish. first of all, if police cars are parked at double yellow lines, there is usually a good reason for it. you want police to come quickly when you call then this kind of things you take photo and complain, you think it's funny. then some more this kind of things small case, did you know that the officer can be fined? maybe you think he deserve it, but did you know fines are not small amounts? did you know police don't earn much? why must you be so petty.

i really very angry at people like that. why they cannot use their brains and think?

in other news, i had htht with Darrell just now, good talk. Tiff and I discuss sex on virtue of www.notsosecretlives.com and Freddy and I lauded the awesomeness that is Red Bull Classic.

2009-02-17T16:41:00.002+08:00

I had a really weird theatre practice on thurs but let's not talk abt it.

Let's talk about Tiff and her post on her blog. BLOOD IS THICK LIKE BLOOD LIKE HONEY. Two words Tiffy: show off.

I have a presentation later. Marketing. ooooh. exciting.

AND YAY TO BER FOR POPPING BY! I'm not quite jaded as I was feeling a bit sick. We'll talk about jadedness after I find out how I do all my midterms. =/

just a really quick post to be anywhere but CT class spiritually.

2009-02-12T15:33:00.002+08:00

it's thursday again.

have drama at night again.

waiting for dj class again.

This morning i had management science. I must confess, as much as I find the module really really interesting, the class has a tendency to make feel inferior and stupid because it's so mathematical and it seems everyone else can solve the questions but me. I used to be able to do math. Not anymore i suppose. Actually I haven't been able to do math since 2004.

School fatigue is setting in. It's the assignments I can't do, the projects I can't heck and the quizzes i can't phantom that is putting me down.

Apart from that, everything else is fine I suppose. Wish I could hang with the hommies more often but that can't be helped. Also, I wish i had more money. Cash is a little tight.

I need to read marketing.

2009-01-15T16:33:00.002+08:00

i'm sitting at on of those study benches on the second floor of school of business right and i have this incredible urge to pee. and such is one of the pitfalls of not having friends who goes to the same classes as you do. when you hang alone and suddenly experience the inexplicable need to relief yourself, you are faced with a dilemma; either to pack your stuff up and head to the toilet or to try as much as you can to manage the situation at hand.

in this current context, i am obviously choosing the latter. i figured that this discomfort would provide excellent motivation for this long overdue post.

so let's start with what on earth am i doing in school after my last class for the day? on my quest to find establishing an exciting and fulfilling student life, i have signed up for theatre training with my school's theatre group. WOO! HALE YEAH! i'm psyching myself up a bit for this because i'm a little apprehensive about this for obvious reasons - my shyness. DON'T LAUGH! i have low self-esteem issues okay!

so that's what i'm waiting for right now, for theatre practice to start. and next week i'll be joining this DJ spinning intro course so that i can complete my lifelong dream of being ~~as cool as jonathan~~ a DJ at club. and then right, i also submitted my application for orientation 09. I should also mention that i went for kayaking 1 star course with Daniel last weekend. I AM DAMN HAPS CAN?!

(trust me, i say that in the most ironic manner)

at this point i've just spotted a friend. she sits down and i quickly went ahead to the toilet WOO!

as i was saying, some how i walked into the campus last monday feeling the most empowered i've felt in a long time. like this is the term where i can look forward to having a non-pointless university experience. this is aided by the fact that quite enjoy my modules this semester (Business Government Society, Marketing, Management Science w/ Alexandar Angelus EPIC!!1!!11!, Financial Accounting, Creative Thinking and Analytical Skills) content wise and the familiar faces from the previous semester. Also, I think the crazy week and a half that happened post-reservist and pre-school rejuvenated me much. I'm gonna need a boost soon though or I could be looking at working without ma hommies through the term.

I really must tell the world about the story that shall henceforth be known as the Marketing Group Saga but I will save that for the next post - whenever that is.

2008-12-20T18:35:00.000+08:00

what is it about reality competition shows that gives me chills?

2008-12-14T23:26:00.002+08:00

okay. so i'm on a bit of a blogging spree here. you see, i'm kinda sick. caught the flu bug. and so i don't really feel like talking. but i've got so many things to say. typing helps.

let's update you on what i'm doing right now. reservist.

reservist. is. not. awesome.

at. all.

So the first 2 days is reporting at the HQ. turns out it's just a whole lot of waiting. and waiting. and waiting. AND WAITING. I've waited a grand total of 14 hours in the 2 days. FOURTEEN HOURS! Time actually spent doing something? TWO HOURS. TWO HOURS. IN PARTS! I mean seriously, I have no been this unconstructive in my life before. NEVER EVER. Even more unconstructive then on days when I just laze around to watch TV. It is seriously, the most mind numbing experience ever. Even more unconstructive than my police training days.

but hey niggers, this homeboy right here your marksman yo! you digging this?

Woots.

And then there's the attachment. Another bout of waiting. it's all so awkward. and unconstructive. but hey, if there's one learning point - i'm socially awkward. and i need to change that. but it's not going to happen anytime soon. but i digress. my point really is

URGH RESERVIST URGH.

5 more shifts! 65 more hours!

and after this cycle is over? THERE ARE FRAKKING NINE MORE!!!

purgatory.

2008-12-14T22:57:00.003+08:00

a little backstory on why Exam Week F/W 08 (ala Fashion Week?) sucked.

Business Law - The exam questions asks for legal rights arising 'in contract'. I had stupidly reasoned that since misrepresentation is not a term, is not part of the contract. In actual fact, the question was asking about contract law and misrepresentation, is, in fact, part of that. The paper also asked a very simple question regarding the tort of negligence - I had missed that week's seminar due to MY FAVOURITE MODULE EVER! (Leadership and Team Building) The worst part of the Business Law paper? Everyone came out of the examination hall not just smiling, but SMIRKING.

Technology and World Change - It was a good paper. Up till the last 15 minutes. When trusty internet explorer decides to crash taking my half completed answer for the paper's centrepiece, a 10 mark essay (full marks for the paper was 50). Of all the questions, that essay question was total giveaway. It took me 5 minutes to reboot my internet explorer (i was running a virtualisation in the mac) and i spent 5 minutes asking the computer technician if they had time allowances for such unfortunate occurrences. Their answer? "Sorry, we don't support Mac. You should save your answer and submit." And so I did. with only 2 sentences answering the 10 mark question utterly inadequately. Technology and World Change was mine to lose. I mean, hello~ I AM Technology and World Change. You know what did not help at all? "Classpart-hogger" Alex moaning about how he did not study a single shit for the paper and ^NAILED IT^.

Statistics - ah statistics. of all the papers, stats was the one i was most zen about. and then 4 hours before the paper, the zen-ness goes to the dogs and panic ensued. To say the paper was a utter disaster would be to call hurricane katrina merely inconvenient. again, what does not help? "Police Boy" (he wears polo tees featuring police logos) zooms through the paper like nobody's business. Also, "Branded Boy" (he's they guy who wears a different signature branded tees every single week. He is also accompanied by his "Ah Zhu Ah Hua"-esque posse) looking pissed. While the thought that he was struggling with the paper too ought to be comfortable, the fact that he's probably mad at everything in this world other than his own inability to do the math questions pisses ME off. What helps? Coming out of the seminar with everyone mouthing and/or articulating vulgarities and despair. I would liken it to a scene of mass panic like one you would see in any alien invasion movie or disaster movie. It was like Cloverfield: The Stats Monster Strikes Back. Another think I find mild amusing is this comment by a friend of mine: "couldn't he have set a more satisfying paper?" - interesting choice of words don't you think? 'satisfying'

2008-12-14T22:17:00.006+08:00

let's talk about the state of my academic aspirations. my current GPA stands at a woeful 2.94 - a figure accomplished by averaging the B-s (Management Communications, Statistics), a B+ (Technology and World Change), a delightful A- (Business Law) and a damnable C+ (Leadership and Team Building).

2.94

it's really not as bad as i had originally projected it to be. it is not that far off from the magic number 3 (a manifestation of comfortable mediocrity). but now that the oh-my-god-my-grades-are-going-to-suck feeling brought about by the sheer shittiness that is exam season has come to passed to be replaced with the my-grades-are-more-average-than-i-originally-thought feeling, the order of the day is that i am now obliged to comprehend the utter meh-ness of my current academic situation.

Technology and World Change shall forever be the 'A-' that got away. B+. Seriously, had that retarded browser not crashed when i was completing my essay, I would almost certainly get that A-. That alone would be enough to bring me over the fence. over the other side of the bell curve. i'll still be GPA 4.0's bitch but at least i'll be an upper-class bitch.

I have nothing to whine about with the other lousy pok grades. I had no chance with Management Communications once I was slapped with that shameful D+ for that retarded assignment. And Statistics. Like I ever had the chance. (It's worth mentioning that my stats prof is a dead ringer for our beloved Econs Tutor Mr Choy though. I find it very cute.)

What irks me the most though, is the circus that is Leadership and Team Building. (see what I did there? I referenced Britney.) LTB is, and shall forever remain, the bane of my existence. Not a night goes by I don't lay in bed thinking of possible ways to destroy the obviously unqualified woman's career. And I mean DESTROY. Here's a nice note she leaves us at the start of the term.

Many have gone through the program ...some with "wow" feelings, some with " hmmm" feelings and many have mixed feelings about the program.

It is non-examination based, has test only , yet, requires time management and team co-ordination.

Come to the lesson with an open mind because you are "you " ; you're not the person whom you heard from about LTB!

As I've pointed out to many of my friends. If I haven't heard about people having 'hmmm' feelings, I sure do now. And for the record, at the end of the course, I don't just have a 'hmmm' feeling, i'm having 'zomgyou'realousypieceofshitwtfassholehmmmyoufrakkingdouche!' feelings.

You think you'd shock me with a C+? This ain't no way to earn no one's respect sister. Don't worry, I don't intend to email you to appeal this stinking C+. I refuse to give you that satisfaction.

And finally, Business Law.

In any case, I had a good time teaching all of you, and hope you found the course useful and enjoyable. And that you have pleasant memories. For in the end, it's the memories that we treasure most.

So sweet right? Even though I found Business Law absolutely unbearable and the monday morning classes has often pushed me to stay on ONTD to keep myself awake, I do very much appreciate how the professor tries his best to make class more incorporating 'fun' and 'wisdom'.

Academic Year 2008 in review is not a total wash out i suppose. close but not catastrophic. I can only try to do better next term. Scratch that. As one of my officers in Fdiv told me last tuesday when i reported for reservist; 'do. there is not try.'

2008-12-07T16:07:00.002+08:00

gina - according to the urban dictionary:
definition: someone's friend or dawg
usage: [1] yo that's my hommie, dont mess wit him. [2] yo wassup mah hommies?

and tiff, don't you be hating on the term now!

2008-12-01T23:47:00.003+08:00

younger brother is in australia with his school band and the folks are away on a short getaway to malacca. i was supposed to go with them after the brother comes back but i had this pesky reservist thing. my folks didn't want to go but i strongly persuaded them otherwise since i think pops deserve a break, i can only imagine the stress he has from being the sole breadwinner in this tough economic times.

i kinda thought that not having the kids in the house would be great. but the house is eerily silent and i feel isolated from it all. in fact, it was as if i am living in an low-budget avant garde indie movie about the banality of life. or like tiff and mark's film art class' 2001: A space odyssey's final sequence. (i just used three 's in a sentence. there has to be a grammar term for 's but i have no idea what it is and am too lazy to google it)

today when evening came i turned on only my bedroom light thinking i might save some electricity by not turning on the living room lights. but even though i was in my room, i eventually gave in and went out to the living room to turn on the lights. as odd as it might sound, there is something comforting about florescent lighting.

it might come as a surprise to you, (or maybe not) i can be prophetically morbid. my thought process functions very much like one of those 'goosebumps choose your own adventure' novels. i think of the future and my alternate reality and it never really ends well. i'm afraid that my current predicament would project my future state fairly closely. after all, our grand plans to living it large like 'friends' never really stood a chance.

i kinda miss the family. it's odd because i'm still functioning today like i usually do when the folks are not around for the day. but it feels sorely different. and i do want to tell them all about my revelation and give them hugs. it's just too bad words fail. and the last time we truly had a moment was too long ago.

in other news. i just went for a short jog in hopes that if i get tired enough, i'd have no problems going to bed. just last night, i slept at 4am and woke up at 7 am this morning. this has gone on long enough. i need to stop staying up and evaluating how not-great my 2008 has been and how that would sustain through the rest of eternity as i know it. unfortunately, i've always have problems following through with resolutions.

(PS: on the general not-greatness of my year 2008, i wish to clarify that that really does not include my hommies. you guys have been great and is truly the reason why 2008 is not a total wash-out for me. if anything, it is perhaps i don't have you guys with me enough to avert the general suckery of Berton's 2008)

2008-12-01T01:03:00.003+08:00

i use to be able to fall asleep anywhere, any time with little effort.
now i try so hard to fall asleep but stay awake; i can't quite figure out why.

2008-11-23T23:49:00.002+08:00

death is imminent, resistance is futile.

when you really break it all down, you'll realise that i'm not really one who does well cramming. i need to change my game plan for the next term. provided that there is one.

2008-11-16T11:59:00.002+08:00

sarah palin can't stop yakking can she? case in point: the larry king interview

2008-10-13T11:21:00.005+08:00

1. My ex is still: a non factor

2. I am listening to: Kanye West's Love Lockdown

3. Maybe I should: getagripgetagripgetagrip

4. I love: stoning in front of the television

5. My best friend(s): keeps me sane.

6. I don’t understand: my place in the world

7. I lost: my enthusiasm through the course of my national service

8. People say: i'm really mean. and it's true. you do not want to cross me. that. plus i'm a really nice guy really.

9. The meaning of my screen name is: the Rainmaker? the title of a John Grisham book about a underdog's persistent paying off to create an upset.

10. Love is: not something i understand

11. Somewhere, someone is: lying with no consequences

12. I will always: be the second banana

13. Forever seems: irrelevant.

14. I never ever want to: be a whiner. but i am. i so am.

15. My cell phone : is not an iPhone. but it's okay.

16. When I wake up in the morning: i cry a bit and feel like dying.

17. I get annoyed when: i meet stupid stupid stupid stupid people. even more so when i interact with them.

18. Parties are: great when none of my hommies start throwing hissyfits.

19. My pet(s) is(are): non-existent. ok, actually I had a fish back when i was in pri sch but it jumped out of the bowl and died. so you can understand the aversion to pets.

20. Kisses are the best when: i actually get them? you know that movie with drew barrymore in it? the one where she goes undercover as a high school student? i forgot the title but drew and i share a very similar trait in that movie.

21. Today I: am pooped to my bone. worked on my stats assignment till 5 am, went to school at noon to hand it in and stayed for technology and world change class until 7 pm. TWC ROCKS!

22. Tomorrow I: am looking forward to waking up at noon and wasting my life away.

23. I really want: to quit school and be just, you know, be.

24. I want to ask: how my future will turn out - because i don't really know what i want my endgame to be.

2008-10-13T11:13:00.002+08:00

Yay! Business law mid-terms are over! O-V-U-R!

Not so yay is the fact that I pretty muched screwed up. boohoo. Let's not dwell on it now.

The hommies celebrated Hweis' birthday at Clark Quay on saturday. It was a quasi surprise celebration. We bought her a Oscar the Grouch cupcake (but only because it's green) while she was shopping and led her out of the shop. Now, the pre-presidential hweis would have cried at this point but new hweis managed to maintain her composure for a bit longer. It was so funny when tiff showed her the ipod case that we got for her without the ipod and hweis was just so bewildered. she became even more bewildered when I handed her the huge-ass box that contained the ipod. cue the waterworks.

I LOVE MY HOMMIES Y'ALL!

that's not my name

2008-09-08T01:02:00.003+08:00

this is week four.

i don't really think i've really felt as lonely as i'm feeling right now in a while.

i'm many things. i can even be a pretty boring person. i'm not a mugger.

apparently being in university doesn't necessarily mean you have a brain.

just some random thoughts.

sleep deprived.

2008-08-14T01:22:00.002+08:00

i've been creepy stalker-ish again. I've been browsing through some of my ex-students blogs.

Hey, don't judge me. Why bother, you might ask. They are my EX-students. I like to do some AAR, okay? Besides, one of the students said I was better than the current teacher (and I um chio a little) and I want to know what they thought of me. Turns out, it doesn't really take much to be 'better' I suppose.

As I've expected, I haven't really made much of an impact. Barely mentioned in their blogs except for the random facts that I've lost my temper again, or that they didn't really know what was going in class because they didn't care and were instead listening to music (I saw that, I just kept quiet) or that they were too busy talking to be doing work assigned to them in class.

I still can't figure out what should have been the way to tackle these insolent teenagers. Give them work to do at home, they won't do it; give them work to do in class; they won't do it either. What is a teacher to do? And really, why all the disrespect? I can accept that you are not really interested in class if you are really good in the language but if you suck, why wouldn't you try to improve by listening in class, putting in a little more effort? Do you really want to tYpE liKeZ disss.... all you life?

Even though I'm no longer their teacher, it still leaves me incredibly frustrated. I see no way of straightening them up. I've tried scolding them, I've tried being nice to them, there's just no way to win them over! Why even try, really.

GAWD, teenage immaturity makes me angry.

2008-08-14T01:09:00.002+08:00

I should have known it was too good to be true, this facade, this illusion of personal growth. The next time i cite personal growth please do not believe me.

Let me explain. remember how I said in the previous entries that I no longer judge and that Iam exercising greater restraint in my cynical comments? Well, all busted today during the smu challenge prep.

I cannot believe people asked the speaker from MDAS what cycling has to do with muscular dystrophy. SERIOUSLY. DUDE. DUDES. TWO. Guys, don't you think you should have already known this when you signed up to be part of the org comm? Embarrassing, absolutely embarrassing, especially in front of an external speaker. GAWD.

Later in the day, someone asks, "What does decorating the home for lantern festival have to do with cycleton? Why do we have to visit the home?" Again, are you kidding me? Fine. Even if no one told you, can't you figure it out yourself? You've, after all, proven yourself worthy to pursue an university degree right? No wonder you bid e$25 for AS/CT - you NEED that analytical skill component.

And it's unfortunate that the main comm wasn't able to provide a satisfying answer to all of the questions. and really, why do CIP at all if you are just doing it for the sake of doing it.

Personal growth my foot, Berton!

other random August stuff

2008-08-11T10:19:00.003+08:00

we went to hweiyun's house to hangout on national day. it's wasn't like a rahrah party or anything. i like that it was a subdued evening where we went for dinner at chomps, watched the olympics and such. i feel like when i'm with these people, i can be myself. (how very jessica simpson during her nick lachey era eh?)

wouldn't it be great if we could get an apartment and live ala Friends after graduation? it's be really fun.

good luck to mark, btw, for his inevitable gig as the show presenter of CREATURES OF THE NIGHT. don't freak out mark. nameste

another thing - i am really really REALLY tired of watching that 30 second ad that keeps running on channel 5 during last night's airing of Hitch: THE FIRST SINGAPOREAN TO MAKE IT TO AN OLYMPIC FINALS.

Once? okay- yay for Singapore! Twice? alright, good for you. THREE TIMES EVERY COMMERCIAL BREAK? are you fucking kidding?

things i learn from camp

2008-08-08T20:38:00.005+08:00

orientation camps are over!

so despite all that talk about me not having an ounce of enthusiasm it turns out that I could, indeed, step up to the plate when needed. To my dear old friends, my new friends apparently appreciate my enthusiasm and humour so bullocks to you! =p

freshmen team building (31 Jul - 2Aug) was more of a leadership camp but without all that shouting and pushups. the group dynamics remains largely the same though and you have the outspoken and the even more outspoken. but it was fun la. had to piggyback on freddy's shoulder a few times!

bondue camp (6 Aug - 8 Aug) on the other hand was more like a no-holds-barred free-for-all where none of puay san and clement cheng's rules would apply really. Damn it was dirty, irrational and unconstructive but it was quite fun!

i do realise that i've grown though. I'm now a lot less likely to judge, or rather, I still do but give some one the chance to prove me wrong. I also don't bitch wantonly anymore so ernest will be glad to hear that.

unfortunately, I'm still a horrible drinker and got pretty drunk on the last night of bondue camp with little to drink.

oh well. i guess i'm same point now as i was in 2004. new school, new experience, a generally positive orientation experience, no idea which cca to join, apprehensive but generally quite optimistic about the shape of things to come.

2008-07-30T23:30:00.000+08:00

Tiffany offers great advice:

Berton (on the mac) says: (10:29:17 PM)
urg i hate orientation camps
Rue Cambon. says: (10:29:22 PM)
it will be fun
Rue Cambon. says: (10:29:23 PM)
i think right
Rue Cambon. says: (10:29:27 PM)
you shld not like
Rue Cambon. says: (10:29:34 PM)
be yourself
Berton (on the mac) says: (10:29:40 PM)
i know right
Rue Cambon. says: (10:29:42 PM)
you shld try to hold it for a bit
Rue Cambon. says: (10:29:43 PM)
hahahah
Berton (on the mac) says: (10:29:49 PM)
cause that's only like the easiest thing to do
Rue Cambon. says: (10:29:59 PM)
if you go mad nobody is going to go near you
Rue Cambon. says: (10:30:13 PM)
HAHA
Rue Cambon. says: (10:30:14 PM)
aiya
Berton (on the mac) says: (10:30:16 PM)
define mad
Rue Cambon. says: (10:30:19 PM)
like
Rue Cambon. says: (10:30:22 PM)
start singing
Rue Cambon. says: (10:30:23 PM)
HAHAHA

2008-07-30T13:43:00.001+08:00

erh... okaay

the one i write with heavy heart

2008-07-26T17:46:00.002+08:00

Here's one more thing to add to the every growing list of things my (ex-)students don't know: lassie. They don't know who lassie is! =(

But yes, they are, indeed, my ex-students. I read them 'I wish you enough'. I don't really expect them to remember me though and I've never really did set out to inspire them to live their lives any differently. It has, after all, only been four short weeks.

And so ends my 8 month working streak - no leave, no MCs since ORD. Next week is Freshmen Team Building and the week after is Bondue Camp. 3 more weeks to Convocation and 4 more weeks to official start of school. It's all very daunting, I'd say.

One of my cousins got married today. His flat looks pretty darn amazing. Very retro. And he he has this amazing collection of old movie posters and vinyl collection.

Another of my cousin is leaving for New York this wednesday to study journalism at Columbia.

I'm pretty confused to say the least, since I've no idea what I want in life.

the animal song

2008-07-19T00:34:00.003+08:00

Thanks to Mark and Gina's not-so-passive-aggressive persuasion, I went to the Night Safari last Thursday. It was a school night and I was really reluctant since I had school the next day and will have to wake up at 6am but I was really glad that I got guilted into going cause I think a great time was had by all.

It was only the second time I've been the the Night Safari, the first time I think was when I was about 10 years ago. The trail looks a lot different from the last time when I was there but it was interesting to see the ginormous elephants and the indian deers which response to the calls of 'Namaste'.

We also got to see the animal show 'Creatures of the Night', something that Mark is working towards and I look forward to seeing Mark presenting. Haha. It'll be so funny! Not in a mean and malicious way though.

So anyway, major props to Mark for his work done in the Night Safari. I still remember when we were discussing holiday job options and he was hesitant about going for the interview with the Singapore Zoo because he was already shortlisted for a job on Jurong Island with Shell. You've come a long way buddy! =]]

will you ever get to watch 'back to the future'?

2008-07-19T00:04:00.003+08:00

it's inching closer and closer to the start of university. 11 August is Week 0 (yes, it sounds very sinister) and I've signed up for two camps (only two you say? It's already two camps too many if you'd to ask me) which will happen on 31 Jul - 2 Aug (Freshmen Team Building) and 6 Aug - 8 Aug (Bondue Camp).

I've been teaching for about a month now and I have to say that the hardest part of the job has to be the marking. It just doesn't end! When you're done marking an assignment, three other assignments come in! It doesn't help that I have the previous Relief's marking to do as well. Because of all these marking, I have less time to plan and research my lessons. I really do hope that my students don't realise that I've been smoking them for the past week. I doubt they would though, since half the time they are too engrossed in whatever is happening outside of class.

It's really weird to be teaching in a Secondary School. As a teacher standing in front of the classroom, I identify characters that were present in my classroom seven years ago, almost like they are the same people but with different names. I've checked with other teachers and apparently, it's not just me. It's just really trippy. It makes me sad I guess, because I know what happens to this kids eventually and it's hard to see mini-me in class.

So that other day, Ms/Mdm Kaur was making a school announcement on nominations for the 'Caring English Teacher' award and she used a clip from Dead Poets Society. While I didn't particularly enjoy that movie (Robin Williams creep me out. Seriously! Even back when he played the good guy. I hated Mrs Doubtfire) I found it quite sad that most of the students probably have never heard of it and will never see it, considering the fact that it was released in 1989 and the oldest kid there is probably born in 1992.

I went to class and we did this comprehension paper on the Titanic, so I asked the class, 'Who has seen the movie Titanic?' No one raised their hand. 'Who has heard of the movie Titanic?' Five people raised their hand. FIVE! In a class of forty! You'd have thought I'd know better when I printed a reading that mentioned 'Jurassic Park' in it but of course, I didn't, so I asked, 'Who has seen the movie Jurassic Park?' 'Who has heard of the movie Jurassic Park?' *Crickets*

It's sad! It got me thinking, this kids are not only missing out on movies from the past, they also live in an entirely different musical era! They will probably never have heard of NSYNC, Westlife and the other boybands which dominated our era (Backstreet Boys don't count since they are still releasing records). They'd have never heard of those retarded novelty songs like 'Barbie Girl' and 'Butterfly'. To these kids, these songs never existed. To them, the Disney Channel generation are the only legit musical popstars; Miley Cyrus, Vanessa Hudgins, Ashley Tisdale, Jonas Brothers, etc. I'd take '...Baby One More Time' any day over those crap.

I'll find more time to wax lyrical about my teaching experience in another post, that's all for tonight!

shutting up and letting go

2008-07-07T17:08:00.004+08:00

I keep telling myself that I will start blogging again once I got my laptop so here I am now. Still, it was difficult to even get this entry going. You try blogging when you have the Ting Tings in your head, spinning 24/7. (that's not my name, that's not my name, that's not my name)

Nonetheless, I do believe that I should be writing more. Get those brain cells working again.

And I'm stalling again, watching Ellen interview Will Smith. Here's something you should know about me. I really really don't like Will Smith movies. True story.

Also, because I'm watching the television as I am typing this entry, I'd just like to really state that whoever is editing all of those Channel 5 promo clips for their show have got to be fired. I mean, c'mon! I've watch all the shows before and I assure you, many episodes are a lot more interesting that Boring Promo Guy (BPG) make them out to become. Sorry BPG, you're FIRED!!!

Alright, so I've just completed my stint with the National Arts Council and I'm now teaching English at (a secondary school that shall remain unnamed).

The Arts Festival experience has been pretty awesome. No doubt, some things in the office are disturbing to say the least but I've learn a lot. I also got the chance to attend the few Festival shows that I really want to watch so - AWESOME~ I will try to post coherent reviews soon. (I hope)

Meanwhile, teaching Lower Secondary students English is... tragic. Or rather, their standard of English. And their unwillingness to learn is pretty epic. It's just a really unfortunate situation. I refuse to reproduce their abysmal work here in the event that I get reported on as well. It's just sad that these kids have no idea how construct a sentence. And so, I retch a little with every sentence I read, resisting the urge to draw multiple crosses on the page.

Oh! I'm typing this entry on my macbook BY THE WAY!!! (Yes, a little syntax error there for emphasis) I love my mac and that is MAJOR.

when i get to warwick avenue

2008-04-25T02:14:00.002+08:00

I have Duffy's Warwick Avenue on loop right now. It's sad lyrics is accentuated by the period arrangements. Very haunting. Very pensive.

But before Duffy came along, I spend my days and night listening to John Mayer. As you guys may know, John Mayer's my Music-God. The songs he write are not especially sad but when I need to wallow, I know there'a always his 'Continuum' album to accompany me in my personal pity party.

Tomorrow's finally another Friday. This week has been a crappy week so thank goodness it's coming to an end. And what better way to end the week than with festivities that stretches all day long! The temps got really fed up with the shit days we've had and so tomorrow, we're going to have 'NAC MAC Griddles Morning' AND 'Dance Party Friday'! Very exciting shit if you ask me! Plus, I'm looking forward to hanging out with the gang at Haji Lane after work (my induction in to the Hall of Cool).

Pillowman: Fan-FREAKING-tastic

2008-04-02T11:01:00.002+08:00

SO. Yesterday, was THE day. Yes, it was April Fool's Day but I've never really care for that. Yesterday, 1 April 2008, was PILLOWMAN DAY.

Yesh! I've wanted to watch The Pillowman back when it was first staged in 2007 but no one wanted to go with me. THANK GAWD they staged it again and I wasn't going to miss it again.

And after a harrowing car ride in Hweiyun's NTU van which can only be described as 'crazytaxi'esque, we arrived at the theatre. Largely due to the fact that there was a special matriculation discount for yesterday's show, a large part of the audience were actually loud, boistrous young punks that needed to be SHUSHED even after the bugle sounded. They were crazy rowdy during the intermission. CRAZY.

But the play. Wow. It blew my mind.

The set was really really good. I liked how the backdrop is skewed. LOVE the skewed door. And the attention to detail was commendable, right down to the swinging lightbulb in the inteogration room. I found the opening to be extremely haunting because of the light that they cast through the oversized ventilator, the multimedia display and the excellent soundtrack. In fact, the soundtrack was one of the key features that made the play so sucessful with pieces that sent chills down my spine.

The actors all turned in stunning performances and it's not easy, if not impossible to pick a stand out effort though I do feel partial towards Adrian Pang and Daniel Jenkin's performances (due more perhaps to the character they play than their actually acting skills)

The script was dark, dark but delightful. Everything that was performed had it significance. The playwright could have easily make the stories Katurian wrote become some sort of parrallels with the characters. Fortunately, it did not turn out that way and the connections were effectively subtle and purposeful in advancing characterisation.

WARNING: SPOILER ALERT

I was especially delighted when Katurian explained the significance of the title to one of his stories "The writer and the writer's brother". I must be pretty daft cause I didn't get it until then.

Nonetheless, there were some parts of the play which I thought could have been improved on. The most obvious problem would be the resolution; that of the girl, instead of being cruxified, was painted green. What was Michael's reasons for doing so? He already explicitly said that he only acted out the horrible stories and even went as far as to concurr with Katurian that he did not attempt to recreate 'the green piglett' so why was the little mute girl alive? I understand that it worked as a motivation to Ariel's change in attitude towards Katurian, but because the script was so absolute in the fact that the girl would have been dead, it can't just change the rules to suit the ending!

Also, weird to me was the story about the town's 3 jailbit. There was no resolution to the story as Katurian conceded having pointed out that there's no worse crime than rape and murder. However, Tulpolski had previously said that he thinks he knows the answer but his thoughts on the story were never really obvious. I think it he think that the worse crime would be to be a child murderer but I can't really be sure. Is the section designed to underscore Katurian's innocence or Tulposki's psychotic 'detecting skills'? I don't really get that.

The script was a tad uneven in its tone as well. While the first half of the play would be more dramatic, the second half featured a really long comedic sequence featuring Tupolski's "Little deaf boy on the railtracks, in china" which seemed a bit out of place. Nonetheless, this is just a small gripe because a) the scene was mad funny, b)highlighted effectively Tupolski's almost schizoprenic character, c)escalated the dramatic tension, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats and d) the first scene was probably meant to be less comedic to convey Katurian's confusion as to why he was brought to the police station with a hood on.

And finally, (this point being more of an observation than a critique), Katurian's consistently insists that he feels that writers should write stories and not reflect their opinions in them. This could be Katurian tactfully dealing with the police, one can't help but wonder if this could be the playwright's voice coming through the script. Should it be so, it would be extremely ironic since the play essentially discusses a writer's reponsibility when telling a story.

The script might also have been a bit heavy handed in conveying the message that we're only what our childhood made us to be. Every single on of the characters essentially had some major daddy issues. Even Tulposki, who claimed to be free from his father's influence, is an alcoholic like his father. (the concain addiction is another thing that REALLY bugged me- is this supposed to account for his erratic behaviour and his supreme complex towards Ariel? this is the most random aspect of the play i felt)

The reversal between who exactly was the good/bad cop was congruent to the theme of appearance since the playwright is constructing a situation similar to Katurian's revelation about being told what ot belief at the police station: The audience was told that Tulposki was the good cop and that Ariel was the bad cop but when it comes down to it, Ariel had the right motivation while Tulposki is really just a bit of a psycho.

Overall, I loved the ending. I had expected that Tulpolski would have fired before the 10 seconds was up and found it excellent motivation for Ariel to have kept the stories when he would have otherwise have burnt it. It was bittersweet, that Katurian's works weren't for nought.

Sounds like a lot of complains, but they are really minor. the play was essentially brilliance in a bottle. EXCELLENTO.

The Learning Curve

2008-03-25T00:09:00.002+08:00

in time, i've learnt that there are people who will keep disappointing you.
i've learning that of these people, there are those who you will keep making excuses for until you eventually learn that they will never stop disappointing you.

i've learnt that there are situations which you think might be resolved with a change in locale or if set in a different time of your life but never are.
i've learnt that people will make the same assumptions about you, time after time.
and often, these people are probably right.

on another note, isn't OneRepublic like, totally kick ass? Their lyrics are like poetry no?

indifference

2008-03-14T23:40:00.001+08:00

daddy issues. i've got the whole subscription.

am i not pretty enough?

2008-03-14T08:52:00.000+08:00

sometimes i'm plagued by my own inadequacy.

Of Songs, Arts and Work

2008-03-03T09:36:00.002+08:00

alright, blogging from work, let's give this a go.

Went to watch Impresario 08 with Hweiyun last Saturday. The program was like a crazy 4.5 hours long but it was a rather entertaining way to spend an otherwise lazy weekend I suppose. We were seated in the 'mhut' section of the auditorium so we cigarette smell and rowdy behaviour was a given but it gave a perfect cover for me to jeer towards the end of the show. (more on that later) A little background on Impresario, it's kind of like a platform for aspiring chinese singers/composers so it's definitly suprising to see some malay finalists in the show. Turns out, the malay guy was actually quite good. Not sure if he was the 'token ethnic contestant' but he definitly got the race vote. Still, he pulled a fast one on the judges by playing an original song and I'm not very sure why since Impresario is supposed to be like American Idol, an over-glorified karaoke competition of sorts. *shrug* don't really think it's fair. He didn't win anyway so-

Actually, it's not really a big deal. It's not like it's the presidential election.

There was this contestant who totally owned 曹格's superwoman, and suddenly I'm totally crazy about that song again. He should have won lah, but he didn't. so I jeered with the malays when the winner was announced. apparently, some of the winner's supporters were also seated in the section and, according to hweis, 'glared' at me. Shucks. I keep doing things like that huh. Somewhere in the western part of Singapore, Ernest is laughing manically and Dominic is twitching his eyelids.

Bought tickets to 'The Pillowman'. I'm going with Mark and Hweiyun. I am freaking excited. 1 Apr 08 can't come soon enough. Of course, I'm pretty sure Mark's going to like Wiki the play and spoil it for himself. That guy has no restraint at all! Well, he better not spoil it for me, I will kill him.

As you can probably tell, work's mighty slack. My supervisors keep telling me, "work is coming in, work is coming ." *shrug* I don't really like to bum around but I guess I should just enjoy it. Some how, I'm seated away from my colleagues and placed in this cubicle within the League of Extraordinary AUNTIES. Sigh. Totally rad.

It should be soon before my next post (or 3 months later, you never know.) So I'll end this entry with a little public service announcement. Ladies, please don't stay out too late at night, and make sure you're always escorted by a guy. 'Tis the time a terrorist is running amok. Better safe than sorry babes.

in the defence of similar judgemental asses

2008-02-18T09:59:00.002+08:00

Have you read today's (18 Feb 08) mypaper?

You know how sometimes you read an essay/composition and it's so bad you think it's a joke? (Think Aunt Jennifer's Tigers)

Yea well, I think the relief teacher was not wrong in sharing those horrible compositions. He was merely sharing his 'war stories' with his readers much like how customer service personnels probably discuss the horrible calls they get and maybe even how realtors complaining about how tacky his client's decor really is.

Remember in the past when teachers used to humiliate the students publicly for their horrible language. Heck, if I had given a damn everytime my Chinese teacher gave me shit for reading my unreadable chinese compositions in class and making me an example I would have serious issues okay! So bugger off overprotective parents. Maybe you should spend time coaching your kid instead of writing emails and cc-ing them to the principal. Maybe then you'll realise how ridonkulous your kid's compositions are.

And mypaper, you shouldn't have publish the URL. Talk about unprofessional behaviour.

you can't look back mr jay getz

2008-01-09T01:32:00.000+08:00

I've always believe in the divine alignment of the universe. I chose ACJC, universe gave me AJC 'cause it was obviously the right choice so I caught the ball and ran with it. I was miraculously posted to SPF for my national service after my BMT stint. Universe manifests itself again! I was supposed to go for an interview with MHA for my posting as NSPI but there was some hardcore mix up and I got posted to 'F' Division as manpower office (a position I originally dread). Nonetheless, it was all good and it turned out to be an excellent experience. So forgive me if at age 20, I get a bit lazy and i decide to let the universe do the choosing for me.

So it comes to looking for a job prior to my university matriculation. And I was certain universe presented my current assignment at RP as The Job. $6 per hr was fine because it was the universe's decision... until I find out an average temp works for $6.50 an hr. So maybe dear universe got it wrong... and then it swoops in for a save- NAC called asking me to head down for an interview for a job application I placed before I took up the RP assignment. NAC loved me and they want no one else. They loved me so much that they were willing to leave the position vacant until I'm available in February. So perhaps this is the Universe's way of making it up to me? Certainly with such a high profile position I'd be able to make a killing and I'll be able to enjoy life like I did in NS with my NSI pay right? Nooooh, cause I get paid an average of $6.75 an hour. Let's put things into perspective, let's do Pros and Cons.

Stay In RP
Pros:
$7 per hour (from February)
Close to home (15mins traveling time)
Positive work environment (People, Responsibility, Familiarity)
Cons:
Minimal exposure (arguable since OPI deals a lot with corporate planning and overseas contact, could be valuable skills to pick up)
Boss going on Honeymoon in May (Could be vulnerable position to assist covering boss)

Go To NAC
Pros:
Exposure (marketing, arts, could obtain valuable contacts)
Young, hip bosses
Cons:
$6.75 per hour
As warned, hours could be irregular
Could be idealising the nature of the job
Lady bosses
45mins - 1hr to travel to workplace

NAC has more Cons than Pros but certainly some Pros are worth more than the Cons right? Urgh.

(Disclaimer: I might have committed several key decisions I've made in my life in order to give the impression that the universe have provided the route for my life. One example would be the primary conflict between NUS/FASS and SMU/BM. This dilemma remains unresolved till this day. (Un)Fortunately, matriculation day for SMU is this Saturday so there's not much room to weasel around it anyway.)

they are not fans of negativity too i suppose

2007-12-30T01:01:00.000+08:00

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush

2007-12-28T23:43:00.000+08:00

so i've just unofficially extended my contract with republic polytechnic. this could either be an epic mistake or a really smart move. i just have no idea.

thought the title was is pretty apt since i do have 'two birds in the bush'; my potential spf pad temp job which my beloved head manpower helped pulled some strings for and potential relief teaching. both highly volatile minimum possibility potential jobs. so perhaps it is really a better idea for me to hold on to my sub uno grand paying job which i am semi-enjoying.

settling again. how unsettling.

25 Dec 07

2007-12-25T16:08:00.000+08:00

it's really quite unfortunate that i'm not very talented because if i were, i would have so much to give. if i were more musically inclined, perhaps i'll be able to write a song, subtlety defending every issue i have. perhaps if i were more athletic, i'll be able to work through these emotions more effectively, expelling every ill feeling with each stride.

but i'm not really talented. and it is a curse to have something said processing in my head every minute of the day.

seriously.

2007-11-09T19:53:00.000+08:00

so I'm having this long long weekend thanks to some extra leave i can't clear during asean summit, and i waste it all away watching seasons and seasons of 'friends'.

fucked

2007-11-03T21:14:00.000+08:00

there are some situations that you can't win. especially when it comes to religion and family dynamics.

that's why you'll probably never find self-help books titled "so your mum's a Buddhist evangelist?" or even "oh hell no, you did not just emotionally try to blackmail me into a Buddhist faith."

2007-10-29T21:37:00.001+08:00

All we need is Matchbox Twenty to get us through the night.

2007-10-21T01:00:00.001+08:00

searching for an exit sign

2007-10-10T00:09:00.001+08:00

Like-y my new template? It's not often that i come across a template that i really like on blogskins and i got lucky today.

Dear SPF, if you are reading this, hello! You know, in case you are screening this to decide whether I should move forward in the selection...

Went for some psychometric test at NPPK last Wednesday.

So here's a funny story; we went to the test venue and the receptionist-esque lady asked, "you know what kind of test you are going to take right?" which prompted us, the testees to ask what exactly are we going to be test on. She replied, "it's a pencil and paper test."

To say I did badly would be an understatement. I mean, I couldn't even finish the paper. And it's one of those pencil-paper OMS tests where you shade little circles and score points. I've only ticked the ovals for some of those questions I weren't so sure about and had no time to go back to shade them. Great, Berton, of all times possible to second guess yourself, you chose the time which could potentially cost you your future. And the personality test section- I know there are no right or wrong answers, but I think my current minor identity crisis led to myself painting a really really depressing image of myself in the test. I wouldn't want to hire myself, let alone the civil service.

More than how much I want this for myself is how much I want Joel to be able to get shortlisted. His whole life has been leading to this and I really do believe he will make a valuable addition to SPF. You know who I really don't want to get the LUSA? GOH WEIYANG. "I thought you are not the kind of person to go for this kind of thing". GOH WEIYANG YOU EVIL SPAWN. Who are you to judge me, to tell me that I'm not "the kind of person to go for this kind of thing", even if it were true, it wouldn't come from you, it would come from my friends. You really just a parasite, a leecher, and I hope I never have to "interact" with you again.

Ernest figures that I just want this because it's something familiar and that it's the perfect Plan B.

Madan says, "if you join SPF, you can never grow your hair long!"

Both very valid points.

nothing much to add really. just that there's 6.5 weeks to go.

to move on, i need distractions

2007-09-28T23:37:00.000+08:00

xoxo, you know you love me. GOSSIP GIRL

Take a sniff. Can you smell that? The sweet smell of the TV fall season; The hills are singing to the tunes of 'Grey's Anatomy', 'Heroes', 'Gossip Girl', 'The Office', etc.

And thus another crazy 9 months of dramatic highs a lows is to follow. 9 months of rushing home early to acquire episodes of said tv shows. 9 months of living lives that will never be live (and never meant to be lived) by myself. 9 months of superreality.

(from left: Totally hawt pretend teenager, Totally hawt barely legal cheerleader, MILF)

Alrighty, so what else is up in Bertonville. Not much really. Doing nothing and everything in the office, putting up with irritating people, the usual. I signed up for the AJC Alumni mentorship program again, totally stupid thing to do since I've totally no idea what I'm doing teaching those kiddos Economics and for the fact that i have to wake up early on Saturdays when i usually sleep through the mornings.

My Grandpops passed away. It was a pretty -meh- event. I wonder if it was because I've watched too many soaps and have grown immune to such situations. Or if it was my lack of (or rather, mixed up) religious identity that brought about the general non-emotion. And then there's the family politics, complicated by religion, money and a whole lot of bad blood. So overall, am I devastated over my grandfather's passing? not really. maybe i am a but affected by the mortality of ourselves as human beings and how somehow that is lost on others in the midst of external circumstances arising from family politics.

So anyway, I bought a bunch of penguin classics ($5 a pop!) and am determined to at least accomplished one of the few resolutions I've made for myself at the start of the year- to read more classics. so I'm starting with the great Gatsby and hopefully that works out well.

I'm not a very open person. Sure, I can be very outgoing and expressive sometimes but most of the times I'm not so. Some how people think 'm the former. But I'm not. And I have intimacy issues. I don't let people get to close to me. but really, all i want is for people to try to break through that barrier i put up and really save me from my self-indulgent self-doubt and insecurities. There are always times when i really want to talk about key decisions, or really just random thoughts that pop into my head or things that trouble me but there's never anyone there to listen. and it feels so difficult to have to keep everything to myself. But the support system is just not there.

The power is up for grabs

2007-09-01T01:35:00.000+08:00

Nobody I know watches Big Brother but I'm going to show it some love anyway.

Amber's voted out of the Big Brother House! Thank god! If I have to read about anymore of her delusional prayers to God and how only 'Good People' should win the game I will poke a pencil through my eye. Like God really has nothing better to do than to preordain the winner of Big Brother and answer Amber's horridly self-centered prayers. Cannot believe she said 'God bless you, God' - WTH!

Zach won HoH. Which sucks because I really wanted Eric to win it so that both himself and Jessica would be safe. I'm really digging them as a couple. Yes, I'm rooting for the dork that wins the girl in the end and I would really hate for the world to come between them. But now I'm uber worried. I know for a fact that Jessica's going to get put up on the block for eviction and Eric's not safe to. Danielle is so playing Zach and Eric, I really don't know what she's trying to do. All I know is she can't be trusted to uphold the power alliance between Eric, Jessica, Dick and herself. Which is a pity since I think she's really pretty. Now, God bless Eric and Jessica.

you only get so many chances

2007-09-01T01:19:00.000+08:00

The much anticipated Britney track has leaked.

Turns out Brit could have spend less than 2 mins in the studio throwing this song together and we shouldn't have had to wait so long for new material. The chorus manages to use even less words Good Charlotte did for 'I believe' (I believe x bazillion times... in love, hence a total of 4 unique syllabus). The entire chorus is basically ' gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme' and the word 'more' scattered randomly within it (unique syllabus count: 3). And I'm going to add that the beat is blatantly ripped off from White House's"Your Woman" which is a far more superior song.

Still, the song is addictive, which goes to show that if she can make something half-assed to become something above average, imagine the pop brilliance she would exhibit had she actually given a damn. Pity.

of vices, addiction and rehabilitation

2007-08-27T15:53:00.000+08:00

I spent the entire weekend watching episodes of Big Brother Eight on youtube. Bernice tells me I should spend my time doing something else. Some how I think we had that conversation before. But what is a guy to do? If you're a TV addict, there's nothing else to do. You just keep finding new TV vices and you service that addiction until it kills you.

The monotony of the activity that is "going to work" is crippling.

Every now and then you hear about people going places, doing extraordinary things and you wonder; Why can't I be smart like them? Why can't I be rich like them? Why am I standing still? Because you know, like threading water, your body will betray you one day and cramp up. One day, the dead weight that is your good self will pull you under the water. And you the world engulfs you. And you can't quite breathe.

a chokin' kind

2007-08-03T20:30:00.000+08:00

What is it about another person's request to pray for oneself that causes me to evaluate my religious identity (or lack thereof) every single time?

why is it to witness other people's conviction in their faith causes a certain kind of envious emotion and at the same time to feel perplexed and unconvinced that another should feel so strongly about something so intangible.

what is wrong with someone who strongly wants to believe in something that is amazing and beautiful but is innately unable to and instead can only sabotage and doubt.

harry why so trippy?

2007-07-15T00:02:00.000+08:00

back from the cinema! it's great to have a cinema a few blocks away from my house. i can be leave the house at 9.20 for a 9.30 screening and i don't have to be so fancy with my dressing. and no midnight surcharge cause there's no need to take a cab! so economical.

anyho, harry potter and the order of the phoenix. i really really wanted to see this flick cause i've always wanted to see what the ministry of magic would be like. but god damn! the movie stunk!

the good parts first. as many would have noted, the depiction of luna and umbridge were pitch perfect. umbridge's wardrobe looks a lot like a supersized version of reese witherspoon's in legally blonde though- nothing wrong with it, but i just kept thinking of legally blonde, it's just me i'm sure.

the ministry of magic! loved the scenes to bits. it was just how i thought the ministry would look like. and i loved the scene where the members of the order appeared to fight the death eaters. the fx was bloody brilliant. the same is to be said about that nympho girl (i forgot her name so i'm going to just call her that- shake your body like a nympho/.../a maneater...). loved everything about her.

ginny, another highlight for me. she's so understated. and the look on her face whenever she does something really really well, so surprised but so darn proud. wubness.

glad they took out the entire confusing subplot about the house elf and his betrayal of sirius black cause that would not have worked on screen.

alright, now on to the issues i have with the film. i'm going to go straight out and say that the editing really really sucked. already in the first sequence where harry was fighting the dementors, there were really trippy editing, first he was holding dudley, then he was not holding dudley. a lot of now you see it now you don't moments that are all due to the editing. and the scenes in the department of mysteries are also very poorly edited. there is just no omph. it was like run run run run run there, we're at the room where they hold many many glass orbs. there were no "pan to the entire room, zomg it's so fucking big" shots. in a later scene the dark lord appears then cut scene to dumbledore appearing. that just does not make sense- it is almost obvious that there were scenes in between that were shot but was left out and they were just too lazy to do reshoots.

the fx for the room of prophecies is also really disappointing. again, it lacked the oomph of it all. they just looked so dead. it's like they spent so much money on the other fx scenes they ran out of budget and the fx company just went- "fine! if you're not going to cough up more money, we're going to not further render the scene anymore and you're going to just have to settle for shit". where's the extra layer of rendering? there should be more dust, more mist, there should be random flares of refraction due to the light from the lumos spells through the orbs but there weren't. i know, this sounds like i'm really picking faults with the movie but like i said, i really really wanted to see how the ministry of magic was like but the film just did not deleiver.

now i can understand that the book was really really really long but the film is awfully short clocking under 150mins for an adaptation of a really long book. sure, i can accept that they took away some scenes, heck, personally i forgot much that had happened and the movie generally followed the outline. but the screenplay was just inept. the dismissal of hagrid was touch and go. the hq of the order was touch and go. heck! potter's relationship with cho was touch and go! all these were needed to give the movie depth and coherence and they chose to leave it out. blah.

ok fine, screenplay omitting scenes not a big issue. but the writing! aiyo~ potter's scene were he was fighting voldermot's 'inner psycho blabber' was cringeworthy, potter's defense was even worse. sth like 'you are the weak one, you'll never know love or friendship' or sth thingymajit like that. too heavy handed my friend. esp after the film generally was so plot heavy it failed to deal with the human emotions. and then the dumbledore-potter scene, when potter asked dumbledore why the latter didnt tell him about the plan (or sth like that, i really don't care about that part) dumbledore's reply made no logical sense. he said sth like, same reason why potter tried to save sirius, same reason why your friends saved you- because he cared too much about potter and didnt want him to hurt even more. ok... the explaination made sense at the end. but all that junk the in the middle? hello! can anyone say 'leap in logic'? have they not vetted the script? and didn't emma watson complain about having to do a scene 30 times? so why wasn't this edited!?

and the fx and editing again, that final showdown between dumbledore and voldermot again very badly edited. it was like pow pow huh poww. bad bad bad bad bad. and cheesy. my mum said it looked like an old school wuxia chinese martial arts flick and i wholeheartedly agree with her. voldermot is attack, he falls, he's up! how come dumbledore's on the ground, etc, etc. it was just damn trippy! but of course, this was what the heroes season finale should have vaguely resembled but didnt, still i expected more for harry potter.

oh- and apparently, luna's fringe acts like some kind of uber sheild or something cause only the parts of the forehead that were uncovered by her scenes were wounded. and speaking of luna (many interjections i know, i just have so much problems with this film!) what is that last scene with harry supposed to mean? that scene where she goes 'lost things turn up when you least expected' and they pan to the shoes tied to the beam and BOTH of them do nothing with it??? it again, didn't make sense.

emma watson has the tendancy to overact. she breathes so heavily and is just so drama mama la. but she's pretty so i'll let it slide. potter? erm, ok... really not a good actor. but i think it's really because of the director cause last year daniel was fine. but this yr, he's just really really lousy. it's the editing, it's the directing, whatever. it's just really really bad.

then horh- the death eaters are sooooo funny! when malfoy first appeared i thought zomg! it's that star wars guy! and i half expected to him to go 'luke i'm ur father'. why? mr director why? first legally blonde then star wars. =(

aiya, all in all, this film was just really trippy with the writing and the editing. and it's really not because of all that potter-voldermot connection/vision thing. stupid movie left me feeling really meh about it.

but now that's done- on to the next thing on the list, DEATHLY HOLLOWS! MUAHAHAHAHAH

oh oh, before i forget.

when i was watching the flick, there was this couple next to me. my god they were so uncouth. rustling their stupid plastic bag and laughing so so so loudly at the weirdest time. like when harry and cho were kissing. and when harry was writing lines in detention. THAT SCENE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE DISTURBING NOT FUNNY! and this woman, thank the lord, turned around and just said 'stop it' in a really mean voice. they stopped the rustling of their plastic bag but never really did stop the laughing and burping.

so tell me- am i too critical?

There ain't nothing good about this goodbye

2007-07-09T09:29:00.000+08:00

I'm having a day of mixed feelings: happy because I'm reading the manuscript of a novel that's full of magic, mystery, and monsters; sad because it will be finished tomorrow and on my shelf, with all its secrets told and its surviving characters set free to live their own lives (if characters have lives beyond the end of a novel — I've always felt they do). It's called The Monsters of Templeton, by Lauren Groff, and it will be published early next year.

Did you think I meant the final Harry Potter tale? Don't be a sillykins — not even your Uncle Stevie gets that one in advance (although I'm sure you agree that he should, he should). But I expect to face the same feelings, only stronger, when the pages of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows dwindle down to the final few. Hell, I had trouble saying goodbye to Tony Soprano, and let's face it — he was a turd. Harry's one of the good guys. One of the great guys, in fact, and the same holds true for his friends.

The sense of sadness I feel at the approaching end of The Monsters of Templeton isn't just because the story's going to be over; when you read a good one — and this is a very good one — those feelings are deepened by the realization that you probably won't tie into anything that much fun again for a long time. This particular melancholy deepens even more when the story is spread over multiple volumes. I felt it as I approached the end of Mervyn Peake's Gormenghast trilogy, more strongly as I neared the conclusion of Frodo's quest in The Lord of the Rings, and with painful keenness when, as the writer, I got to the end of The Dark Tower, which stretched over seven volumes and a quarter century's writing time.

When it comes to Harry, part of me — a fairly large part, actually — can hardly bear to say goodbye. I'd guess that J.K. Rowling feels the same, although I'd also guess those feelings are mingled with the relief of knowing that the work is finally done, for better or worse.

And I'm a grown-up, for God's sake — a damn Muggle! Think how it must be for all the kids who were 8 when Harry debuted in Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, with its cartoon jacket and modest (500 copies) first edition. Those kids are now 18, and when they close the final book, they will be in some measure closing the book on their own childhoods — magic summers spent in the porch swing, or reading under the covers at camp with flashlights in hand, or listening to Jim Dale's recordings on long drives to see Grandma in Cincinnati or Uncle Bob in Wichita. My advice to families containing Harry Potter readers: Stock up on the Kleenex. You're gonna need it. It's all made worse by one unavoidable fact: It's not just Harry. It's time to say goodbye to the whole cast, from Moaning Myrtle to Scabbers the rat (a.k.a. Wormtail). Which leads to an interesting question — will the final volume satisfy Harry's longtime (and very devoted) readers?

Although the only thing we can be sure of is that Deathly Hallows won't end in a 10-second blackout (you're going to hear that a lot in the next few weeks), my guess is that large numbers of readers will not be satisfied even if Harry survives (I'm betting he will) and Lord Voldemort is vanquished (I'm betting on this, too, although evil is never vanquished for long). I'm partly drawing on my own experience with The Dark Tower (reader satisfaction with the ending was low — tough titty, since it was the only one I had); partly on my belief that very few long works end as felicitously as Tolkien's Rings series, with its beautiful pilgrimage into the Grey Havens; but mostly on the fact that there is that sadness, that inevitable parting from characters who have been loved deeply by many. The Internet blog sites will be full of this was bad and that was wrong, but it's going to boil down to something that many will feel and few will come right out and state: No ending can be right, because it shouldn't be over at all. The magic is not supposed to go away.

Rowling will almost certainly go on to other works, and they may be terrific, but it won't be quite the same, and I'm sure she knows that. Readers will be able to go back and reread the existing books — as I've gone back to Tolkien, as my wife goes back to Patrick O'Brian's wonderful sea stories featuring Captain Aubrey and Dr. Maturin, as others do with novels featuring Travis McGee or Lord Peter Wimsey — and rereading is a great pleasure, but it's not the bated-breath, what's-gonna-happen-next suspense that Potter readers have enjoyed since 1997.

And, of course, Harry's audience is different. It is, in large part, made up of children who will be experiencing these unique and rather terrible feelings for the first time.

But there's comfort. There are always more good stories, and now and then there are great stories. They come along if you wait for them. And here's something I believe in my heart: No story can be great without closure. There must be closure, because it's the human condition. And since that's how it is, I'll be in line with my money in my hand on July 21.

And, I must admit, sorrow in my heart.

- Stephen King

World on Fire

2007-07-08T16:52:00.000+08:00

Here's something John Mayer wrote in his blog.

I woke up this morning with hope. Excitement, even. Live Earth is taking place in 48 hours, and I'm starting to feel the first ripples of what could become a revolution.

I hope that for all the cynicism that's existed around this subject, we can all uncross our arms long enough to give this event a chance to impact the world in the way that I'm beginning to feel that it could. Now isn't the time to dissect the rights and wrongs. (If you're hoping Live Earth doesn't work, you have a lot of soul-searching to do.)

With this kind of lineup, there's no cause or crisis that wouldn't be positively affected by an event of this scope. Live Earth isn't a show - it's a showing, a presentation of an idea. Artists like us don't just get together to each play 20 minute sets every weekend, you know. We're also usually pretty sensitive about the order in which we take the stage, and I've got no problems with my 5:12 PM set time. The Police, Bon Jovi, Alicia Keys, Kanye West, and yes, myself and my dumb face are all openers for the true headliner - the power to literally change the world's mind. The star of the night is an idea, and all eyes will be on it. And to that effect, I hope that Mr. Gore and the event organizers will keep in mind that for as much as we the artists represent their message, their message represents us.

Mr. Gore, for six hours, you'll have the collective ear of a generation. Tell the world how to change itself, and keep to the salient points - the big, unbroken potato chips at the top of the bag, so to speak. This is your big moment to show us all how easy it can be. Go with the "fly direct whenever possible" bit further down the road. Make the call to action feel like music makes us feel; that sometimes the only way to make it through the tough times in life is to bob your head to the groove and float it out. (That's hippie talk. The audience will get it, I promise.)

To the journalists who will lay in wait for the perfectly maligned moment of hypocrisy, you will probably find one if that's how you want to spend your time. Just use this as a measuring stick; give Live Earth's initiative at least as much benefit of the doubt as you've given to the iPhone, or a new Radiohead album.

Sure, if I wanted to be cynical, I could pose the question as to what happens if the biggest concert on Earth takes place only to hear the world respond with a resounding "that's nice, but have you seen the cat that plays piano on YouTube?" But all I feel going into Saturday afternoon is hope. And lots of it. After all, even the hardest moments in life have some hope hiding in there somewhere. And that's where the musicians come in. We deal in hope every day.

I look forward to seeing you all out at Giants Stadium. As a side note, I'll be signing autographs at the Roy Rogers restaurant at mile marker 112 in Secaucus.

This will work.

POSTED BY JOHN MAYER AT 03:31 PM FROM DETROIT, MI

It's odd how Americans are still debating on whether the concept of 'global warming' is real. Are people too arrogant to see that the earth's climate has gone freaky?

What about Singaporeans? The greenhouse effect has been imparted to school children as the truth and they've always promoted the 3Rs of reduce, reuse and recycle. Do Singaporeans believe in global warming? They have to right? So why are there still insolent people who scowl when NTUC staff ask if they need a plastic bag? Why do XingSong provide the stupid plastic bags for free despite the statewide call for a plastic-bag free campaign? Why is it that NTUC have given in to the stubborn masses and continue in their old ways of issuing plastic bags irresponsibly?

Anyway, it was quite touching to hear Melissa Etheridge sing 'Wake Up' and praising Al Gore for what he has done. So the crux of it all was that Al Gore entered politics because he believe he can initiate a change but basically his aide shut him up on the issue of climate crisis since generally businesses don't like to hear about spending money to cut gas emissions, etc. But after that (that being losing the elections), he decided that he was going to bring his slideshow all over the country and present the truth to all who would listen. And today, it has become a global movement.

Well, guess this is one instance that losing is not everything and sometimes is really just something to guide one to his rightful purpose. Guess who has the last laugh, it's certainly not Bush Jnr.

But one thing that I disapprove of is Macy Gray and her band's determination to equate Climate Crisis = Bush Sucks. Sure, Bush's administration hasn't really been focusing on the issue of conservation. But which government has? The issue of environment conservation is not a political one. The only political thing about it is the fact that it would require political intervention, political initiative to initiate, to pressure and to enforce such changes. Let's not equate Climate Crisis to War in Iraq or Poverty in Africa because they are totally different issues.

Judging purely on the performances, i must say Joss Stone gave a really touching rendition of 'Right To Be Wrong', she cried! And John Mayer was wonderful as usual. I enjoyed the lesser known Australian acts and Crowded House is officially my new favourite band of the 80/90s. The NY all-stars where the Police and Kanye West performs some odd song is bleag at the very least. All JM got to do was play the guitar (sure, he's guitar god but still!) and kanye just got uh- uh while Sting sings in his exotic holler. weird.

On another issue, one of the conservation PSA (public service announcements) 'Cover Your Tracks' asks individuals to download music online as oppose to buying physical cds to prevent waste and to reduce the carbon footprints of the transportation involved. Now if only someone will come in to break the monopoly of that stupid soundbuzz website. 1.99 is too much to pay for a single song. You're forcing us to rip you off stupid record companies! Stop using the law to suppress us- start thinking about new ways to attract us to purchasing music.

The 7 Point Pledge
1.To demand that my country join an international treaty within the next 2 years that cuts global warming pollution by 90% in developed countries and by more than half worldwide in time for the next generation to inherit a healthy earth;

2.To take personal action to help solve the climate crisis by reducing my own CO2 pollution as much as I can and offsetting the rest to become "carbon neutral;"

3.To fight for a moratorium on the construction of any new generating facility that burns coal without the capacity to safely trap and store the CO2;

4.To work for a dramatic increase in the energy efficiency of my home, workplace, school, place of worship, and means of transportation;

5.To fight for laws and policies that expand the use of renewable energy sources and reduce dependence on oil and coal;

6.To plant new trees and to join with others in preserving and protecting forests; and,

7.To buy from businesses and support leaders who share my commitment to solving the climate crisis and building a sustainable, just, and prosperous world for the 21st century.

Children having fun/ While we are holding guns

2007-07-03T09:57:00.000+08:00

The NS40 feature in the Sunday papers has got me thinking. Have I been robbed of my NS experience? Would I perhaps not feel so isolated and instead become a much better person that I am now if I had stayed on the Army track?

You've got to break it down. I'll still meet the stupid people I deal with everyday in the office. I'll still meet the fuckers I had to endure for the duration of my training. The only difference is that they would manifest themselves in a different form and I'm pretty sure I'll react with the same frustration.

The one thing that really pissed be off about my NS experience is that 10month wasteland they call leadership training. It was a fucking waste of my time, 10 months of basically, nothing. Sure, I appreciate the comfortable bed, the long evenings for recreational activities, the 'friends' marathon, etc, but at the end of the day, it is really just 10 months of dormancy.

Okay, maybe I did learn a thing or two during my training. 1) Fuckers like Dominic really do exist- they will identify favourites early in the race and give them unfair advantages. They will do whatever they need to serve their purpose and their purpose only. They will trample all that are working for or with him and like majorly suck up to those who he is working for. Like go uber out of the way. 2) Your friends will be all like 'yeah, we're your bestest friends, we'll support you!" but at the end of the day they will really rather see you walk the plank alone and see if you die. If you die, they'll all be like "oh too bad, we told you" and secretly think what an idiot you are. Don't expect them to do anything out of their way to help you unless it serve their purpose.

Gawd I hated those god-awful 'law' classes which were really just a sorry excuse for employment for officers past their prime.

Maybe I'll think back a decade later thinking "zomg I had the best time in NS" (I really hope not, at least not the "zomg" part.) who know. But I hate it now.

Ok, I really didn't expect all of that to come out like that- originally wanted to say how the NS40 feature really brought back many memories of BMT. Pegasus Platoon 3. We had a great run i think. The AGRs, range, the grenade throwing, the zero fighters breaking the zero barriers, stand-by areas. Sure, there were people that I didn't work very well with but I had a great support system in and out of camp (thanks to the councillors). My sergeants- respect.

You see, that's what I want- to become someone people can respect, not some deskbound staff officer who looks at spreadsheets after spreadsheets.

Actually, it's kinda ironic- one revelation i uncovered during the OBS course last year was that it is such a great thing for someone to be able to do something he is good at and really, when you're allowed to do that, you've got to be happy about it. So yea, maybe I'm ok at staff work but how come I'm still not quite happy with my job? But anyhoo, I guess I should be greatful I'm not in the army cause I'm lousy at that other stuff. But who knows? Maybe I'll be like a uber soldier had I not been transfered, I don't know, but I would have liked to try.

Here I go impossible again. I should less of that.

Whatelse... I'm 20. Not a big deal except for the depressing fact that I'm 20yo and I can't help but think the future is bleak. 20. whatever.

But I had a great time with the councillors on at Sentosa on the 23rd. I don't mind spending every week at the beach but the girls apparently think that even once a month is one too many.

Oooh! They are playing a Robbie William song- "I don't want to die/ But I ain't keen on living either". Okay, totally random.

Anyho, to the guys who have their weekends burn because of NDP, hang on in there, only a month to go. I've been there I all I can say is the view on the other side is amazing.

And- I'm going to Krabi, Thailand! 17 Jul to 20 Jul with Tekong-bound BoonKiat. It's going to be the first time I'll be on a plane so I'm really excited.

I don't need to be fixed and I certainly don't need to be found

2007-06-12T22:08:00.001+08:00

This could possibly be the most heartbreaking song I've ever heard in my life.

"Someday,
When we're at the same place
When we're on the same road
When it's okay to hold my hand
Without feeling lost
Without all the excuses
When it's just because you love me
You let me
You need me
Then maybe, maybe

All you have to do is hold me
And you'll know, and you'll see
Just how sweet it can be
If you'll trust me
Love me
Let me
Maybe, maybe

I'm confusing as hell
Yeah I'm north and south
And I'll probably never have it
All figured out
But what I know is I wasn't meant
To walk this world without you
And I promise I'll try
I'm gonna try to give you every
Little part of me
Every single detail you missed
With your eyes
Then maybe
Maybe yeah maybe

I don't want to be tough
And I don't want to be proud
I don't need to be fixed and I
Certainly don't need to be found,
I'm not lost
I need to be loved
I need to be loved
I just want to be loved by you and
I won't stop cause I believe that
Maybe yeah maybe

Maybe..."

- Kelly Clarkson's 'Maybe'

journeyman

2007-05-17T16:38:00.000+08:00

I had my IPPT last Friday. Woke up at 6 with the craziest storm outside. Took the train to TPY, boarded the wrong bus and ran 1 km to the next bus stop in my haviannas while it was still raining. reached the testing center to realise that apparently 'late' is the new 'early' and 'really late' is the new 'on time'.

But the test went really well though, i did 12 chin ups with no problems, event got 225cm on my first board jump attempt (I've tried my whole life to jump a 225, never happened. the best was 224 and that was in HTA where my field trainer had to accord me that elusive 1 cm for effort. I've only ever gotten 217 in tekong)

but the run- the horror. 11:43mins. It was like nausea and stuff in the last round but i thought of that first ippt trial run I did back in tekong where PS Lyon was asking me why I didn't complete the run when I could very well still walked and passed. So i kept running. but missed that 'Silver' benchmark by 4 seconds.

oh well, if it's not the board jump, it has to be something else i guess.

and i also learnt that I actually have a direct bus from my house to the test center.

that night also turned out to be the worse mothers' day/mum's birthday celebration ever. it was just horrible.

and then came the news.

so I guess that was like the worse day ever.

But the weeks leading to Friday and the days thereafter were not that good either. Piling work responsibilities, sleepless nights, vivid dreams, perpetual fatigue.

It's like I can't catch a break anymore. It's like breathing heavy. Like every breath I have to consciously remind myself to take. To breathe deep and hard. It's like living on stolen time. like I can't really rest well and when I do rest, I wake up breathless. I dread waking up the next day more everyday. It is inexplicable.

and now it feels like that bridge has been burnt and i can never go back to seek the comfort that i want and need.

it's like punching water

2007-05-12T23:08:00.000+08:00

After the hectic hours of contacting the fellow councillors yesterday, all i kept thinking about this awkward photograph. I remember him panning his video camera from left to right and then he enthusastically handed his camera over to Mr Cheng and ran in front of the girls and did that... weird pose.

I've not been the nicest person to him. In fact, I've been downright mean. And what happened really isn't fair. It's not fair that he, a storeman should be victim to the higher power's random test of faith through destruction. It's not fair that for a person that probably have never done a bad thing in his life, for being ever so earnest and sincere, for being such a hardworker be so.

I believe in karma. Yes, my judgemental personality may not be terribly consistent with that. But I believe that when you do good things. Good things happen. It's the way things should work. Why then? Why should this happen to him?

My heart sank when I saw his family. It's not fair to them either. But when we had our rare interactions, I've always known him to be the boy who really cared about his family. He would talk about taking his sister to school and he would be beaming about the bag that his mother brought his at the pasar malam. And for that, I've always respected him.

His enthusasm often bewilders me. His random acts of chanting "dom-shakala" during the orientation dance, fidling with his video camera the most inappropriate times. I remember no matter how much people put him down, he always tries hard to make it good.

I'm sorry, sorry for every mean thing I've said about you. But I meant no harm. I wish I had taken the chance to get to know you more. And I hate myself for every missed opportunity.

I do believe in karma, perhaps that why in times of such confusion, I find myself to have no one to talk to, grasping at straws, trying to understand what I'm supposed to feel but am not.

growing pains

2007-05-11T00:14:00.000+08:00

let me put things into perspective. i have a horrible life. i hate my job and there is nothing more i want to do now than to take that pen i have on my table and just jab it through my chest.

i've been really really busy. there's just now window to just kick back and not do work. it just keeps creeping back on you. and the talking guy in the office. gawd. he just talks and talks. asks questions after questions. keeps stating one obvious thing after another in a oic-sec1 manner. it pains me so bad.

have you every had something so good and you keep giving thanks for having that to keep you sane no matter what life decides to throw at you because you know you always have the one special thing to look back on and everything will be fine? ever had the moment where something just clicked and you just find yourself having nothing, nothing at all. what you were so grateful to have suddenly just slips through your fingers, like someone pulled a rug right under you and you fall and you can never stand upright again? that one moment where suddenly all the colours fade and everything appears an monochrome? i think they call it the coming of age. but i'm not sure. i can be totally wrong about what to call it but there's one thing i cannot be more sure and that is that it hurts.

if this be a movie, right now would be the part where i jump into my 69 chevy with nothing but my roadmap and my packet of marbolo menthol and i drive, with no destination in mind, with the radio playing classic rock songs while i mull in my own aloneless. kinda of like in the wrecker's cigarette:

"cause someday maybe somebody will love me like i need
someday i wont have to prove so somebody could see
all my worth but i until than i'll do just fine on my own
with my cigarettes and this old dirt road"

but this isn't a movie. and tomorrow, i have a little something called ippt. you know what is a clear sign that you're probably not going to do well for ippt? it could be that you mysteriously sustain a minor strain on your wrist just less that 10 hours before your ippt with no apparent reason or that you're up at 1230 am, just less than 8 hrs before you've to do ippt. take your pick, both pretty obvious signs to me.

...because she moves in her own way

2007-05-01T10:54:00.000+08:00

So i was browsing through some forums and i stumbled across this

<--

I swear my heart stopped for about 2 seconds. As you can see, the tiny fragmanted profiles in the posters, the left are the grey's anatomy people, and the right are the addison groupies. each one of them a show killer! but no worries. I'm uber confident my beloved Kate Walsh will survive no matter what.

So since the ABC network's schedule's a bit wonky, here's a idea, why not spin off a show for every character!

History. It's just one bloody thing after another

2007-04-29T22:26:00.000+08:00

I've just watched 'The History Boy' and gosh, it was bloody brilliant!

The dialogue is witty and though a lot of literary references flew past my head it was still a movie with a lot of heart.

Generally, I wish school could have been more like in the movie. Though it's rather sad that these boys still have to do a prep program after their 'A' levels. But the free flowing speech, the dynamic discussions, the field trips- they are all really what education should be about.

Though it was rather depressing, the conclusion when Hector died but I suppose it was appropriate for a film that primarily dealt with the concept of 'History'. Like Irwin said, History only exist because of dead people, there is no easier way to forget than to commemorate the dead.

I especially liked the last scene where each boys talked about their future, one would grow up to be a contractor, an accountant, a soldier to die in friendly fire, a teacher, etc. It's the reality of life that you grow up to do something totally different. And like posner said. he's grown up to become as angsty as Hector and that "he's not happy. but he's not unhappy either".

crikey! got me really emo again. pity, since the movie started off so much fun. but it was a really great movie. it's good to know not every movie about teaching has to be like 'dangerous minds' or 'freedom writers'. i'd put this right up there with 'dead poets' soceity' and 'the emperor's club' though the artistic direction far exceeds both films.

editedtosay: Also, it's pretty unfortunate that truth does not count for much in the real world as presented in the movie. often, it's all about the spin. it's sad that they have to rehearse for their interviews and have to edit what they have to say about their passion for theatre because the deans would percieve theatre to be a waste of time. and it's definitly ironic how rodge wanted to get in only if they accept him for who he is and no some spin on his interview. accept him for who he is they did, as his father's, a former alumni, son.

a good memory you can count on

2007-04-26T19:47:00.000+08:00

Oh Boy, I love that Ashlee.

Here's a question. What is the cut-off age before you have to stop enjoying (or at the very least, relate) to songs like Simple Plan's Welcome To My Life? At what point does it turn from poetic resonance to being plain immature? If that cut-off age is anywhere near (or less than) 20 someone has got to urgently inform me. I wouldn't want to be caught dead enjoying a song like that.

- A little less conversation, a little more action

2007-04-20T15:08:00.000+08:00

Here's the issue for the day: Multi-tasking - Can one really pee and talk at the same time? And if so, should they?

Here's the scenario. I always try to use the cubicles when I go to the toilet. You see, I have this uniform that let's just say is not very pee-friendly since it involves some rather unsightly maneuvers in order for one to zip up and leave after one is done with one's business. It is not I, it's the uniform.

So anyho, sometimes though, the situation does not permit one to use the cubicle. Such situations might include when both the toilet cubicles are occupied by shitting personnel or say when one was urgently in a need to relief oneself. So this afternoon I went into the toilet and well, did it with the urinal (sounds wrong some how). Anyhoo, I was happily staring at the wall in front when someone enters and docks himself at one of the urinals. Thankfully, he was a comfortable one empty urinal away. It's should basically be a rule that men should not pee in adjacent urinals. I digress. So basically, this guy starts peeing and he does "Hi Sir" and in my mind i was like "OMG, the one afternoon i decide to pee at the urinals..."

Why? Why do some people insist on making small talk when they pee?! And seriously, can you pee and talk at the same time? Is that physically possible? Or does little pee-wee turns on and off when one does that. Whatever it is, it should be an unspoken rule that men should not talk and pee. So I hurriedly finished my business and scooted off. The bottom line is as illustrated by the great Elvis: "A little less conversation, a little more action". More peeing, less talking people! The toilet is a sacred place!

Anyway, in case you haven't realised; new layout! Not that I didn't' like the last one. That last one was poetic. Mr Robot (i think someone, Cherry I think, insist that he's a elephant or something.) freeing the birds. But imageshack took down my picture! I don't know why! Boo.

-It was on the night train home

2007-04-20T00:30:00.000+08:00

sometimes the strangest things happen on the train. on my way home tonight, i saw this college student (no prize for guessing which college) on the train. he looked normal enough. and we were riding on the train happily until right in the middle of transit he whips out his calculator and started typing random numbers and adding funny operations to them. the end result? a series of meaningless decimals. i swear i tell the truth.

anyho, just that day i was thinking how much i was liking the new avril. you know? fun, but nice, fashionista avril? then i thought... this new avril looks strikingly familiar, where have i seen her before. The pink highlights, "motherfucking princess" ala hokkien's "nabe", "jibai", etc. and it suddenly hits me. avril's the new ahlian. it's a genetic mutation of the alien species. i mean seriously! look at her! loud and gawd all that pink! avril, we never really knew you did we.

-I've been waiting.

2007-04-10T14:39:00.000+08:00

Today's a really slow day at work. I'm just in the office waiting for some responses from some people and it's kinda quiet with mahdi working hard at his minutes cause it's crunch time for him.

I've been going bonkas with facebook. i think the novelty hasn't really worn off yet. Life's just kinda boring.

I just completed my screening of all four seasons of 'Felicity' goodness. but i was kinda dissapointed with the finale. The missing elena scenes were really distracting since she was supposed to be dead and suddenly she's just there. And I've been the championing for Noelicity combo but apparently the nice guy never get the girl. He's forever destined to find a love interest only in the last 10 episode of a show and it is expected that the audience should believe that he is truely happy. The truth is, the second banana's never truely happy, he never gets the damn girl, he's just settling! But then again, Noel must be happy anyway since he gets to pop prozac with his love interest. BEN SUCKS. I cannot believe that Ben actually said "no matter what I did, you have to find a way to forgive me because I can't imagine living a life without you." THOSE ARE ALL LIES FELICITY! LIES! BEN WILL HURT YOU AGAIN!

So so much for a fufilling finale, but it can't be all good I guess.

As you can see, I'm in much need of getting out of the house. I really should be allowed to continue on my tv serial marathon, especially since next on my list is Sabrina The Teenage Witch.

>.<

-time and space .

2007-04-06T21:34:00.000+08:00

i caught 'a cinderella story' on the telly moments ago. i still don't quite get why the girls were so crazy over the movie back then. but you know the whole story about duffhead and cmm breaking free from their families and expectations kinda got me thinking.

i can't be more perplex, facinated, envious? of how duffhead and cmm kinda have such great passion towards princeton. it's like they know what they want. there was never a doubt. if any, there were a result of circumstances and never self-doubt. of course, they had a rather short-sighted dream, it was just about the college they want to go to, never about their majors or their future career prospects.

so actually what i wanted to say is, i had dreams too. i found myself inexplicably connected to swiss sch even though it was half an hour away and though my grades would probably never made it, chinese high was never something to desire. i wanted so bad to enter acjc. and i loved that smu came along at the right time and was the university i had to go to.

during the crossroads between sec sch and jc i had a 3 path plan. writing, teaching, business. it was one of the three. after jc and having been in the prescence of so many people who does better in so many things, i've no plan.

lower primary was quite a disaster, but i kinda got saved in p4 when i got streamed into a more academically abled class. but lower pri classmate werent as snobbish and mean. bottomline was, i saw what most of my primary schoolmates were and i made a determined choice not to be one of them. so dream sch no1 swiss was kind of a period of mehness. but again, a conscious choice to walk a different path. acjc failed me. but still i held it in high regard even though i had the best time of my life in ajc. then came ns and i met so many acjc people that made me maime myself for ever wanting to associate myself with the school. i met so many unnaturally intelligent rjc people who kinda like 'anything you can do, i can do better'. it throws me into a limbo. what's the point.

all my dreams kinda have failed me. or perhaps, i have failed my dreams. and i've now settled. just settling.

and seriously, what's wrong with me, i used to have an opinion about everything. and suddenly i have no views, no opinions.

i'll tell you why. because of what happens at home that's why.

and for the period of jc i actually managed to break free. to do the things that i want. to balance my social life with my academic pursuits. sure i'm not very good at both but hay, it was an effort and it was waay better then the life i had before. i do whatever i want. stay out late, go to a club, etc, etc

but the problem is the family never changes. i've seen it happening. drifting further and further, becoming more and more disconnected. they never appreciate what i do. their whacked out theories are always true and my educated theory which my a levels brain corrects them are never true. it's always the market-theories. a friend of a friend told her this and that. and i correct her and i'm always wrong.

three d animation cartoons are ugly shit. sex on television is dirty and wrong and we should change the channel. discos are horrible places. don't mix too much with girls, the girls will get the wrong idea. are you dating, are you gay, don't date too young, why arent you dating are you gay. is so and so your girlfriend. why dont you go after so and so.

yes i'm really really pissed off now. my key board is tap tap tapping.

you make fun of my interests, my attempt at self improvement. you laugh when i go for my runs, you discourage me from running at night yet you complain that i'm not active. you make me stay at home in pri school and not mix with my punk friends who play soccer. you laugh when i attempt to learn the guitar. you laugh when i attempt to pick up a language. you say that you don't want to go to my commissioning parade because my friends are too posh. always vote for pap, the lee family is the bestest. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

yet you know what? i'm settling. i'm not looking to pick up a fight. i've un-broken free. no more late nights no more self esteem. i'm just tired of trying. you are the reason why i no longer have an opinion. because myopinions are never right. they are always wrong wrong wrong. i'm too liberal i'm too stupid.

i'm so fucking tired. so tired.

- it was a silent scream

2007-03-27T08:36:00.000+08:00

i got too frustrated with new blogger so i switched back to the good 'ol days where html wasn't so confusing- when you could just plop down what you want in dreamweaver and copy and paste in code and et viola!

work's been pretty blah, there's a lot of stuff to do and it's never ending. it's never really as interesting as school where you get to do different things that are mildly interesting. the tasks i have to do are inane,mundane and tedious. kinda like writing lines. and my upperstudy's going leave so it means more work! yay. more work.

social life's been pretty nada since the post cny period. i did try out dragonboating as a means to be more active but let's just put it this way, it'll be excellent fodder for discussion about my self-hate in future therapy sessions.

i'm not as cheerful and happy-go-lucky as i seem. i'm really not. i'm trying. but i'm not. i don't think i'll ever get any satisfaction out of life anymore.

i love me episodes of felicity and grey's anatomy. nothing like hours of love polygons to keep your mind stupid.

so if you ever think of me, drop me a line and save me from my self-loathing.

from one limbo to another

2007-01-15T13:21:00.000+08:00

[ on rotation : stereophonics - dakota ]

so i am finally a comissioned senior police officer, not a real one though, just a NSF one. the days leading up to the graduation parade was like four long days over neverending goodbyes. it's kinda like wading in a pool of muck. while people were sentimental about leaving one another, i was plunging deeper into my personal retrospective of couldhavebeens.

the parade rained out though. a pretty funny sight if you think about it. and my saf officer pals were there to see it. coolness. it was cool they could be there. there were some people i wish was there but weren't. of course i understand why they weren't there. heck, i told them not to come. but it'd be nice to be surprised once in a while. i keep looking at the stands hoping to see some other familiar faces. but what's new really, they were never really there for all the important gigs back in junior college.

dining in was something i never want to go through again.

..and since i've still no idea where i'll be posted to, it doesn't quite feel like i'm moving on to something better or at least, something different. the entire situation feels really meh.

i'm going to kl with some squadmates later this week. we'll see how that turns out.

i'm still horrible with the guitar. at least i got the strum pattern for collide down. now what i need to do is to get the chords right. i got my auto-tuner two days ago.

other things to do in the near future would include actually signing up for those kayaking classes and to get tuition students. maybe write more? read more classics.

pretty mundane things.

-if you see nothing, you'll have no wants.
that's something that occured to me while i was walking along city link yesterday. perhaps the life i lead in secondary school was a good one after all; the life of a social hermit. i was not expected to wear bermudas that at just above the knee or to have haviannas slippers when i'm clearly comfortable with my 3/4 length bermudas from 2002 and my pair of crosstrainers with kooky bright yellow laces.

-if you do not think, you do not have confusion.

Stupor

2007-01-02T22:31:00.000+08:00

here's how my 1st day of 2007 went.

shortly after the countdown was over and the year officially began, the arrival of devil in the human form named jonathan lim arrived and i drank i think what would be considered a lot of alcohol. i got drunk and made a mess and basically ruined every one's evening.

and i spent the first day of the new year experiencing the exact meaning of being 'high' then 'drunk' and the inevitable phase called the 'hangover'.

it was not pleasant. it felt like you're being trapped in another person's body and you're not thinking straight. you say things you don't want to be said and you do thinks you don't want to do. but at the same time you're conscious of it all. you have the power to stop what is happening but you just feel so helpless to do anything.

and then the nausea sets in and then, the blackout. the phase where people says you did stuff but you're sure you were smashed and unconscious.

when you wake it's a sudden state of empty. it's quiet and every one's left. you're in a place you don't quite remember being at but at the same time, all too familiar. you have scenes flashing in your brain about the morning's events but they are all out of sequence and don't make sense. so you stumble all over the place trying to get home. you look pathetic.

you try to hide the fact that you're hungover from your parents cause they don't even know that you drink. you try to eat but you have no appetite. all you want to do it die.

and then your army friends try to get you out of the house and when you do, the wind and the music at the esplanade makes it all better and it all goes back to normal though any mention of anything related to alcohol kinda makes you whoozy.

the point is, i've meant to come into to write about how i resolve to not drink in the new year. on 1st January 2007, i've lost all interest in drinking and its related activities, clubbing, late nights with friends, etc.

when i learnt that jonathan has once again, not been much help in this similar incident, it suddenly dawn upon me that this was the difference between the people i hang out with and the -normal- guys.

but all these resolve to not drink seem to be melting away. a horrifying thought occurs as i contemplate being drunk again. why do people keep getting themselveswasted. then i realise that i quite relish the theory of being wasted again.

sure, it felt horrible. but at the same time, there was this numbness that you feel. the blackout feels like a fast-forward in life. in your state of being wasted, you get to do anything and you won't be held responsible; it was the booze. you get taken care of, you get attention.

there's the guilt, but maybe if you do it enough times you don't have to go through that anymore. in wasted world, there are no parents, no expectations, no responsibility;

absolut escape.

...because we don't need to paint the town red

2006-12-10T18:01:00.000+08:00

i got my new cell! it's the w850i. but my folk's sony clamshell with the floating text looks waaaaaay cool. i'll settle for anything other than a lame candybar phone though.

tiffany, hweiyun, gina, jonathan and i bummed at mark's yesterday night. we watched 'the others' which i personally thought was a tad boring. it might be because i already know the ending so i spent the whole time questioning the things that go on during the movie in that light.

the asian games coverage that we turned on after the movie was a lot more interesting. we laughed that at the ugly communist costumes that the communist gymnasts wore. later came the badminton match between lindan and tuafik hidayat. so apparently everyone there was like really updated with sporting news cause i had no idea there was this animosity between the players. but it was a really exciting match anyways. towards the end of the game, gina decided to parade around the living room with jon's way cool clacking boots while she pretended she was a contestant on ANTM- way funny. and we took 'crazy' photos around mark's couch though i don't think i was that crazy. i can't do crazy anymore. =/

so anyho, i know i keep asking the peeps why we don't go clubbing anymore. but seriosuly, i don't mind it all that much, cause it's evening like these that remind me that i don't need to paint the town red to have fun.